It's snowing. The first legitimate fall that signifies the beginning of winter, Christmas, busy stores, and people shoving past you trying to get the last few things on their list. As you can tell, I'm not a fan of winter; always being cold, bundling up before going outside and scraping ice off of my car...no thanks.
The worst part about winter is Christmas. Instead of having a fun filled family get together, my family can barely say a decent word to one another let alone be in the same room for more than an hour without throwing fists. Imagine celebrating Christmas with family tension so thick you can cut it with a knife, no one talks to one another for fear of sparking a fight and no one knows what presents to get people because the only time we communicate and see one another is during the Christmas get together. In my opinion.....I would rather skip Christmas with my extended family and with my parents and brother because it always turns out to be a mess...someone always ends up infuriated which leaves everyone else feeling sick to their stomach from stress and nerves.
Why spend the holidays with family? Personally, I'd rather spend it with a group of friends, I know I'd have a much better time. And what's up with following traditions and doing the same exact thing every year?.....um, no thanks. The only way for me to fully enjoy a holiday is if I spice things up a bit and if I know things will be totally reversed from the year before. For example, instead of spending Thanksgiving at home I was hanging out with friends, went to 2 concerts and had Mexican as my thanksgiving dinner........that's right, I said Mexican! Instead of eating turkey I enjoyed a nice quesadilla! :)
Never NEVER have I had such an awesome Thanksgiving as the Great Mexican Thanksgiving!
In a way I guess I find the holidays sad and lonely.....like a scene out of a movie where the old lady is sitting by herself next to the fireplace late at night. There are reasons as to why I'm not a fan of the holiday, but I haven't fully pinpointed why I dislike it as much as I do. As I'm writing this it is blizzardy outside (yes, 'blizzardy' is a word) and here I am.....sitting by myself and just staring out the window, wondering "why the heck am I acting like such a sap!?!"
Another reason as to why I'm not a fan of the holidays- people are too materialistic. "I want this, I want that, that's not the color I wanted it in, I don't care how much it costs, ect" The world is getting ridiculous. People shouldn't think of christmas in such a way, they should think of christmas as a way to help people any way possible. Even if it means just smiling at someone or complimenting a random stranger on their wardrobe. Giving a person a boost of confidence could completely flip their day around and make them a lot happier than they were before and it'll be more likely that they'll start a chain reaction and compliment some other random person. Just knowing that a person smiled after you complimented them should make you feel good about yourself and help you have a better, more productive day. Think about it people.....giving a compliment or a smile to one person a day could affect you and many others and allow for a less stressful day, changing someones mood for the better (as well as yours) should be more fullfilling than a pair of Uggs or a new Rolex...
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
It Sucks
Lot of deep thinking lately and I realized that it sucks missing people..or even a specific person. Wow...it REALLY sucks missing a person. All you want to do is be around them and hear their voice, but the distance between you and that person is a major factor. You hope to see them soon but you know that won't happen, it sucks. You just want to sit and talk with that person but you can't, it sucks. You just want to see that person smile when they look into your eyes but you know that's not going to happen because they're so far away, it sucks. You want that person to give you a hug and just hold you tight but you know that's not going to happen anytime soon, it sucks. You just want to be around that person and know that they're close by when really they're well over 5 hours away, it sucks. It really sucks, just absolutely sucks.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
I was bored and decided to read back through all of my posts. I found that I couldn't finish reading all of them because I was getting SO irritated with myself.....almost all of my posts were about stupid things and me just using my blog to take out my frustration about stupid things. So I've decided I will not be making another post until it is about something happy or entertaining, it will be nothing sad, depressing or filled with anger.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Just done, completely done
Once again, I get home from a concert and in less than 15 minutes of getting out of my car there is bickering and arguing between myself and and one of my parents..... again, it was my father and I going at it.
Haven't seen my mother in over 48 hours, since I was away at a concert and because of being at work, but she just walked in the door. I hate my life.
The basics of the story.....
My mother cancelled our old cell phone plan, she wanted me to have my own plan. Got a new plan and phone, which I have had for only a week. Since the old plan was cancelled, my brother was griping because he was without texting. They just came home a little while ago and he walks into my room with a brand new phone, tells me that I need to get a different phone and different plan because if I'm on the same plan as he is then it will be cheaper. My mother is standing in my room while he is telling me this and I'm just sitting on my bed feeling like the prey, both of them staring at me waiting for an answer. At this point I can't even think straight, I just had a fight with my father and all I want is to be home alone with peace and quiet, no one to talk to me or even pay attention to me.
I dont plan on telling my mother I had a fight with my father because she'll want to talk about it and have me explain everything, then she'll go back to my father and tell him what I said...so then he'll come and talk to me about what my mother told him...it happens all the time and it's just a damn f**king ring a round.
I don't want a new phone, I'm just getting used to the one I have now and I seriously love my new phone. If I get a new phone then I wont have to listen to my mother or bother bitch at me and it will be a little bit cheaper, but if I do get a new phone then I'll have to cancel the plan I have now (cancellation fees are expensive) and I paid for the phone and the activation fee...so all that money I spent will be wasted.
Seriously.....dear God I'm so serious right now, I cannot take it anymore, I CANNOT stay here any longer. I don't know what to do. I'm so sick of having an amazing time at concerts and hanging out with new people and old friends-then coming home to fighting, yelling, and crying out of pure frustration.
I know I'm probably going to Hell for saying this, but sometimes I wish I didn't have any family. Or I wish that I was older and able to live on my own in my own apartment, no where near my family.
I just want a quiet place of my own where there isnt anyone to ridicule me about my weight, where there's no one to complain about me to other family members, where there isn't anyone to tell me they can't wait for my summer vacation to be over so I can finally move back to college and where there's no one to shoot me down.
At home I don't have a happy place, I need a happy place and I need it now.....
I try to keep reminding myself of what a close friend told me...."you're not insane or going crazy, it's just difficult right now."
Haven't seen my mother in over 48 hours, since I was away at a concert and because of being at work, but she just walked in the door. I hate my life.
The basics of the story.....
My mother cancelled our old cell phone plan, she wanted me to have my own plan. Got a new plan and phone, which I have had for only a week. Since the old plan was cancelled, my brother was griping because he was without texting. They just came home a little while ago and he walks into my room with a brand new phone, tells me that I need to get a different phone and different plan because if I'm on the same plan as he is then it will be cheaper. My mother is standing in my room while he is telling me this and I'm just sitting on my bed feeling like the prey, both of them staring at me waiting for an answer. At this point I can't even think straight, I just had a fight with my father and all I want is to be home alone with peace and quiet, no one to talk to me or even pay attention to me.
I dont plan on telling my mother I had a fight with my father because she'll want to talk about it and have me explain everything, then she'll go back to my father and tell him what I said...so then he'll come and talk to me about what my mother told him...it happens all the time and it's just a damn f**king ring a round.
I don't want a new phone, I'm just getting used to the one I have now and I seriously love my new phone. If I get a new phone then I wont have to listen to my mother or bother bitch at me and it will be a little bit cheaper, but if I do get a new phone then I'll have to cancel the plan I have now (cancellation fees are expensive) and I paid for the phone and the activation fee...so all that money I spent will be wasted.
Seriously.....dear God I'm so serious right now, I cannot take it anymore, I CANNOT stay here any longer. I don't know what to do. I'm so sick of having an amazing time at concerts and hanging out with new people and old friends-then coming home to fighting, yelling, and crying out of pure frustration.
I know I'm probably going to Hell for saying this, but sometimes I wish I didn't have any family. Or I wish that I was older and able to live on my own in my own apartment, no where near my family.
I just want a quiet place of my own where there isnt anyone to ridicule me about my weight, where there's no one to complain about me to other family members, where there isn't anyone to tell me they can't wait for my summer vacation to be over so I can finally move back to college and where there's no one to shoot me down.
At home I don't have a happy place, I need a happy place and I need it now.....
I try to keep reminding myself of what a close friend told me...."you're not insane or going crazy, it's just difficult right now."
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Respecting My Lungs
I'm a smoker and I need to quit. I've been told numerous times by people that smoking is an awful habit and is bad for you.....no duh! Yes I realize smoking is a disgusting habit and that it can kill me, but do I stop smoking?...nope. Why do I continue smoking if I know all of the health risks involved with smoking? Easy answer- it relieves stress and helps me relax.
With the price of cigarettes increasing it's getting quite expensive to be a smoker, which is why I need to quit (of course, my health is also incorporated into my decision to quit). Thinking of all the money I would save if I didn't buy my packs of cancer sticks is making me cut back....big time.
Most people find is extremely difficult to quit smoking while others can easily quit cold turkey. I think I stand in the middle of the field......I don't find it impossible to quit, but I also don't think I'll be able to quit cold turkey. About 95% of my friends smoke which doesn't make it any easier, but I think it'll prove my dedication in quitting and saving money if I hang out with them and not light up a cigarette with them. Quite frequently, I can go a day or two without smoking (depends on where I am and who I'm around at the time). I've experimented once to see how long I could go without smoking while in college and if I remember right, I think I only lasted 3 days. But to give myself the benefit of the doubt....3 days is kind of a good start, most people say they're going to try and quit but then an hour later they're outside smoking. The key is not to cut yourself off cold turkey, but to wean yourself off of them by slowly reducing the amount of intake and tightening the belt a little more every week or so.
Most of the time, for me anyway, smoking is a social thing, if I see someone smoking then it'll make me want me to smoke. But if I'm in a group of non smokers then I won't feel as much of a need to have one. It also depends on my mood, if I'm happy- I smoke. If I'm mad or pissed off- I smoke. If I'm stressed out or nervous- I smoke a lot!
In order to keep my mind off of smoking I need to replace smoking with something else. Most people turn to eating...which is something I do NOT want to do, others turn to excessive exercising or something else along those lines. Now today, I went for a run because I had extra energy that I needed to burn and at the end of the run I felt awesome. I think that my replacement habit for smoking will be to run. Running seems to burn off a lot of steam, which is exactly what I need.
Here is the problem with that. I am a night owl, so what if I'm deeply craving a cigarette at like 2 in the morning or something? It's not like I can go for a jog at that hour....specially in my neighborhood! So do I allow myself that 2AM cigarette since I can't go running, or do I just try to avoid the craving altogether? (which never works).
With the price of cigarettes increasing it's getting quite expensive to be a smoker, which is why I need to quit (of course, my health is also incorporated into my decision to quit). Thinking of all the money I would save if I didn't buy my packs of cancer sticks is making me cut back....big time.
Most people find is extremely difficult to quit smoking while others can easily quit cold turkey. I think I stand in the middle of the field......I don't find it impossible to quit, but I also don't think I'll be able to quit cold turkey. About 95% of my friends smoke which doesn't make it any easier, but I think it'll prove my dedication in quitting and saving money if I hang out with them and not light up a cigarette with them. Quite frequently, I can go a day or two without smoking (depends on where I am and who I'm around at the time). I've experimented once to see how long I could go without smoking while in college and if I remember right, I think I only lasted 3 days. But to give myself the benefit of the doubt....3 days is kind of a good start, most people say they're going to try and quit but then an hour later they're outside smoking. The key is not to cut yourself off cold turkey, but to wean yourself off of them by slowly reducing the amount of intake and tightening the belt a little more every week or so.
Most of the time, for me anyway, smoking is a social thing, if I see someone smoking then it'll make me want me to smoke. But if I'm in a group of non smokers then I won't feel as much of a need to have one. It also depends on my mood, if I'm happy- I smoke. If I'm mad or pissed off- I smoke. If I'm stressed out or nervous- I smoke a lot!
In order to keep my mind off of smoking I need to replace smoking with something else. Most people turn to eating...which is something I do NOT want to do, others turn to excessive exercising or something else along those lines. Now today, I went for a run because I had extra energy that I needed to burn and at the end of the run I felt awesome. I think that my replacement habit for smoking will be to run. Running seems to burn off a lot of steam, which is exactly what I need.
Here is the problem with that. I am a night owl, so what if I'm deeply craving a cigarette at like 2 in the morning or something? It's not like I can go for a jog at that hour....specially in my neighborhood! So do I allow myself that 2AM cigarette since I can't go running, or do I just try to avoid the craving altogether? (which never works).
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Never Ending
*Caution: this post is 100% venting and bitching.....proceed with caution*
Now that I have warned you, let the venting begin, but first a little intro......
I had an absolutely amazing weekend. I went to an Irish festival and saw a lot of friends I hadn't seen in a long time and we all hung out, listened to great music and most of us stayed up chatting well into the morning hours. It was also a little sad because it was also a going away party for 2 very close friends of mine who are moving to another state down south, but it's not like I'll never see them again so whatever. The festival ended on Sunday and it was crappy because it was the end of an awesome weekend, saying good bye to friends and it also meant that I had to head back home.....which is never a thing to look forward to.
So I get home from the festival and I'm only able to get one foot on the first step of my porch, before I'm able to go any farther my father comes to the door and starts yelling at me that my mother and younger brother went to go see a movie..."The Orphan". I'm guessing that he hadn't seen any previews of the movie because he immediately started cursing at me and asking me why they would want to go see a depressing movie about an orphan. *eye roll* I proceeded to tell him that it was a horror movie and he didn't say anything, THEN he starts getting louder asking me in a shrieking voice why they didn't invite him. (mind you I'm still standing on the first step of my porch with my hands filled with camping stuff, I wasn't able to move because he was standing in my way and wouldn't let me pass). Finally I drop my stuff and decide to just walk away and unload my car, but he follows me and continues his rampage while I'm doing all of this. I warn him that I've had less than 5 hours of sleep the entire weekend and that there is no coffee in my system so it probably isn't the best idea to be yelling at me right now.....but does he listen? Absolutely not, he simply continues.
Yes, it was a lovely way to welcome me home from being gone all weekend. Aside from being bummed about ending the weekend and saying good bye to many friends, I come home and listen to people tell me that I'm "part of the family and there's no way for you to get out of it, you're stuck here just like the rest of us." I refuse to believe that....I am NOT stuck and the only way I'm part of a family is if *I* decide to be, yes we are bonded by blood, but that's the only thing we have in common.
Then my mother comes home with my brother and they tell me about the movie, it sounded pretty good. She says she really missed me and gives me a hug, but then tells me I left her with a lot of hard work to do since I took Friday off from work (we work together at the same job). Wow, what a great welcome home, first you say you miss me and then you keep throwing the guilt trip at me for taking a day off of work to go to an Irish festival....thanks. *eye roll* My brother on the other hand barely acknowledged me, he got home- told me about the movie- and went to his room to play his video games.....whatever.
Lets move on to yesterday......
The contract for our cellphones (my mother's and mine) ended and she wanted to cancel it and get me a better plan since I'm going back to college soon. The deal was that she would pay the bill as long as I would pay for the cellphone and the activation fee....not a problem, I thought it seemed fair. We run a few errands before heading to the Verizon store and all the while she is complaining about the prices of cellphones and the cost of the different plans (which yes they are expensive, but I'm out of the house and back to college once again....what the hell am I supposed to do about it?). I told her that I have enough money to pay the monthly bill but she absolutely refused to even let my finish....she then went on yelling at me that I didn't have enough money and that my first priority is college and not paying bills. *massive eye roll* So after listening to her complain for about an hour I ask her, "I'm leaving for college and I have to have some means of communication, what do you want me to do?" She was quiet for a minute and then all Hell broke loose, she told me that there was absolutely nothing I could do about it and then decided to drive like a maniac until we got to the store....where she proceeded to park like a moron, taking up 2 spots and park crookedly.
On our drive home I thank her for the phone and the rest of the drive was silent. We get home and I have to deal with my brother being completely jealous and bitching to my mom about wanting a new phone....which left her to be very friendly with me (note sarcasm).
Moving onto today....
It isn't even noon yet and I've already been in a handful of issues. JUST finished my first cup of coffee and am debating getting another. Unfortunately I woke up around 9:45 and things started at about 10:30. My father comes into my room (where I like to hide) and tells me that the woman working with my mother tonight won't be able to work tonight (I work with her every other day and the lady works with her when I don't). When my mother comes home.....everything is going to hit the fan and it isn't going to be pretty. Knowing her, she will complain to me about it until she finally asks me if I'll work tonight, which I REALLY don't want to do. Which is why I plan on wrapping us this blog, getting in my car and getting the heck outta here.
Since my mother knew I had today off, she volunteered me to keep my brother entertained all day by taking him to the amusement park. I don't mind spending time with my brother, he seems like the only sane one in the family.....but then again he's still young and there's plenty of time for that to change while living at my house. The only problem I have with this is money, it costs money to go to the park, and I don't have any money because it is all in the bank. See, I plan on going to Ireland in May and I need to save as much money as I possibly can ( literally, every single penny). When I tell her about Ireland she seems happy that I might be going again, and asks about the expenses, so I tell her that I plan on funding my trip by saving....hardcore saving. Which means no shopping, no new shoes, jewelry or anything...nada! All she does is smirk at me when I tell her I'm going to avoid spending my money as much as I can.......then she tells me that she told my brother I would take him to the amusement park and that later in the month I'm going to take him to Six Flags.....mind you she told him I would do this before I even knew about it.
Anyway, my dad started in on me again after he told me the lady wasn't going to be working with my mother tonight. I told him that I was taking my brother to the park and that I wouldn't be able to work anyway, and that she's going to be raging mad when she gets home. He started telling me how stubborn, bitchy and ungrateful my mother is and that even when you try to please her she's never happy.......really? do you think this is a good thing to discuss with your friggin child? They both tend to do that a lot, telling us, my brother and I, how the other is a stupid fool and that they have no brains. *eye roll*
So once my head started pounding from his heightened voice, I told him that he needs to stop because I haven't been up long enough to even process anything he was saying. So he tells me that one of these days he and I need to sit down and have a long discussion about my mother without yelling or curing......pfft yeah right! I'm not sure he even comprehends what it means to have an inside voice let alone be able to use words that aren't used truckers or drunken sailors!
I now have to get ready because my brother is getting antsy, and of course I have to stop at the bank first to withdrawal money out of my bank account. I'm really not in the mood to go anywhere and it looks like it's about to rain, all I want to do is grab my book and find a quiet place to read....I don't think that will be happening anytime soon though...
Heh, I just did a quick proof read and it made me chuckle. At the Irish Fest, a lady I know had tarot cards and did a reading for me.....reading this post just reminds me of everything she told me about myself and my parents. The next morning I was talking to her about the reading she did for me and thanked her (again) for everything she told me. While we were talking about it I said...
-me: "it was really good to hear someone tell me these things about everything to my face because it makes me..... (she cut in)
-her: (looking me directly in the eyes) "I know what you're going to say, and you are definitely not going insane or imagining anything."
That last comment left goosebumps on my arms and I felt a weight lift off of me, and I thank her continuoulsy for telling me that, it made a big difference....
Now that I have warned you, let the venting begin, but first a little intro......
I had an absolutely amazing weekend. I went to an Irish festival and saw a lot of friends I hadn't seen in a long time and we all hung out, listened to great music and most of us stayed up chatting well into the morning hours. It was also a little sad because it was also a going away party for 2 very close friends of mine who are moving to another state down south, but it's not like I'll never see them again so whatever. The festival ended on Sunday and it was crappy because it was the end of an awesome weekend, saying good bye to friends and it also meant that I had to head back home.....which is never a thing to look forward to.
So I get home from the festival and I'm only able to get one foot on the first step of my porch, before I'm able to go any farther my father comes to the door and starts yelling at me that my mother and younger brother went to go see a movie..."The Orphan". I'm guessing that he hadn't seen any previews of the movie because he immediately started cursing at me and asking me why they would want to go see a depressing movie about an orphan. *eye roll* I proceeded to tell him that it was a horror movie and he didn't say anything, THEN he starts getting louder asking me in a shrieking voice why they didn't invite him. (mind you I'm still standing on the first step of my porch with my hands filled with camping stuff, I wasn't able to move because he was standing in my way and wouldn't let me pass). Finally I drop my stuff and decide to just walk away and unload my car, but he follows me and continues his rampage while I'm doing all of this. I warn him that I've had less than 5 hours of sleep the entire weekend and that there is no coffee in my system so it probably isn't the best idea to be yelling at me right now.....but does he listen? Absolutely not, he simply continues.
Yes, it was a lovely way to welcome me home from being gone all weekend. Aside from being bummed about ending the weekend and saying good bye to many friends, I come home and listen to people tell me that I'm "part of the family and there's no way for you to get out of it, you're stuck here just like the rest of us." I refuse to believe that....I am NOT stuck and the only way I'm part of a family is if *I* decide to be, yes we are bonded by blood, but that's the only thing we have in common.
Then my mother comes home with my brother and they tell me about the movie, it sounded pretty good. She says she really missed me and gives me a hug, but then tells me I left her with a lot of hard work to do since I took Friday off from work (we work together at the same job). Wow, what a great welcome home, first you say you miss me and then you keep throwing the guilt trip at me for taking a day off of work to go to an Irish festival....thanks. *eye roll* My brother on the other hand barely acknowledged me, he got home- told me about the movie- and went to his room to play his video games.....whatever.
Lets move on to yesterday......
The contract for our cellphones (my mother's and mine) ended and she wanted to cancel it and get me a better plan since I'm going back to college soon. The deal was that she would pay the bill as long as I would pay for the cellphone and the activation fee....not a problem, I thought it seemed fair. We run a few errands before heading to the Verizon store and all the while she is complaining about the prices of cellphones and the cost of the different plans (which yes they are expensive, but I'm out of the house and back to college once again....what the hell am I supposed to do about it?). I told her that I have enough money to pay the monthly bill but she absolutely refused to even let my finish....she then went on yelling at me that I didn't have enough money and that my first priority is college and not paying bills. *massive eye roll* So after listening to her complain for about an hour I ask her, "I'm leaving for college and I have to have some means of communication, what do you want me to do?" She was quiet for a minute and then all Hell broke loose, she told me that there was absolutely nothing I could do about it and then decided to drive like a maniac until we got to the store....where she proceeded to park like a moron, taking up 2 spots and park crookedly.
On our drive home I thank her for the phone and the rest of the drive was silent. We get home and I have to deal with my brother being completely jealous and bitching to my mom about wanting a new phone....which left her to be very friendly with me (note sarcasm).
Moving onto today....
It isn't even noon yet and I've already been in a handful of issues. JUST finished my first cup of coffee and am debating getting another. Unfortunately I woke up around 9:45 and things started at about 10:30. My father comes into my room (where I like to hide) and tells me that the woman working with my mother tonight won't be able to work tonight (I work with her every other day and the lady works with her when I don't). When my mother comes home.....everything is going to hit the fan and it isn't going to be pretty. Knowing her, she will complain to me about it until she finally asks me if I'll work tonight, which I REALLY don't want to do. Which is why I plan on wrapping us this blog, getting in my car and getting the heck outta here.
Since my mother knew I had today off, she volunteered me to keep my brother entertained all day by taking him to the amusement park. I don't mind spending time with my brother, he seems like the only sane one in the family.....but then again he's still young and there's plenty of time for that to change while living at my house. The only problem I have with this is money, it costs money to go to the park, and I don't have any money because it is all in the bank. See, I plan on going to Ireland in May and I need to save as much money as I possibly can ( literally, every single penny). When I tell her about Ireland she seems happy that I might be going again, and asks about the expenses, so I tell her that I plan on funding my trip by saving....hardcore saving. Which means no shopping, no new shoes, jewelry or anything...nada! All she does is smirk at me when I tell her I'm going to avoid spending my money as much as I can.......then she tells me that she told my brother I would take him to the amusement park and that later in the month I'm going to take him to Six Flags.....mind you she told him I would do this before I even knew about it.
Anyway, my dad started in on me again after he told me the lady wasn't going to be working with my mother tonight. I told him that I was taking my brother to the park and that I wouldn't be able to work anyway, and that she's going to be raging mad when she gets home. He started telling me how stubborn, bitchy and ungrateful my mother is and that even when you try to please her she's never happy.......really? do you think this is a good thing to discuss with your friggin child? They both tend to do that a lot, telling us, my brother and I, how the other is a stupid fool and that they have no brains. *eye roll*
So once my head started pounding from his heightened voice, I told him that he needs to stop because I haven't been up long enough to even process anything he was saying. So he tells me that one of these days he and I need to sit down and have a long discussion about my mother without yelling or curing......pfft yeah right! I'm not sure he even comprehends what it means to have an inside voice let alone be able to use words that aren't used truckers or drunken sailors!
I now have to get ready because my brother is getting antsy, and of course I have to stop at the bank first to withdrawal money out of my bank account. I'm really not in the mood to go anywhere and it looks like it's about to rain, all I want to do is grab my book and find a quiet place to read....I don't think that will be happening anytime soon though...
Heh, I just did a quick proof read and it made me chuckle. At the Irish Fest, a lady I know had tarot cards and did a reading for me.....reading this post just reminds me of everything she told me about myself and my parents. The next morning I was talking to her about the reading she did for me and thanked her (again) for everything she told me. While we were talking about it I said...
-me: "it was really good to hear someone tell me these things about everything to my face because it makes me..... (she cut in)
-her: (looking me directly in the eyes) "I know what you're going to say, and you are definitely not going insane or imagining anything."
That last comment left goosebumps on my arms and I felt a weight lift off of me, and I thank her continuoulsy for telling me that, it made a big difference....
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Time To Go....
I'm headed out to do some shopping and then hit the beach. Most people think I'm crazy and that I go shopping too often, but just because I say I'm going shopping doesn't exactly mean I ever buy anything, I just like to walk around and look at things. Most of the time I never buy anything anyway, only when I'm lucky to find something that I like do I buy it. I try to get out of the house as much as I can( I'm currently home from college for summer vacation) , and if it means walking around the mall and just looking at things....then so be it.
The beach is what I'm looking forward too. Not swimming, squishing sand between my toes or hanging out with friends, but just sitting on the rocks alone....staring out, watching the waves and thinking. I'm at the point where I feel like I'm about to go insane, too many things are fluttering around in my head and I need to sort them out and figure out how to fix the things that can be fixed and prepare myself for things that cannot be fixed. Most of the time I try to block out things that I can't fix, to save myself from thinking or worrying about them.....but it never works.
The last time I went to the beach it was a spur of the moment decision and I just left. My mother continuously asked questions when I was trying to escape as to why I was going to the beach alone and I simply told her that I just need to think about things. This did not fulfill her curiosity, she wanted to know more and wanted to know what was wrong with me. But at that time, I wasn't even sure what was wrong with me, I just knew I had to get out and be alone. I came home a few hours later, reeking of cigarette smoke and still had a head filled with millions of unsorted thoughts. She said she was worried about me and I told her I was fine, but she told me that I was stressed and I needed to calm down. I got to my room- shut my door- and thought....'stressed?......I have no right to be stressed. There are people out there who have more crap to deal with than I do so what gives me the right to be stressed?'
And so the yelling starts in my house once again.....time for me to leave.
Another thing, this isn't a continuance from my last post. I completely deleted the post that I was going to write, so just disregard the last post. :)
The beach is what I'm looking forward too. Not swimming, squishing sand between my toes or hanging out with friends, but just sitting on the rocks alone....staring out, watching the waves and thinking. I'm at the point where I feel like I'm about to go insane, too many things are fluttering around in my head and I need to sort them out and figure out how to fix the things that can be fixed and prepare myself for things that cannot be fixed. Most of the time I try to block out things that I can't fix, to save myself from thinking or worrying about them.....but it never works.
The last time I went to the beach it was a spur of the moment decision and I just left. My mother continuously asked questions when I was trying to escape as to why I was going to the beach alone and I simply told her that I just need to think about things. This did not fulfill her curiosity, she wanted to know more and wanted to know what was wrong with me. But at that time, I wasn't even sure what was wrong with me, I just knew I had to get out and be alone. I came home a few hours later, reeking of cigarette smoke and still had a head filled with millions of unsorted thoughts. She said she was worried about me and I told her I was fine, but she told me that I was stressed and I needed to calm down. I got to my room- shut my door- and thought....'stressed?......I have no right to be stressed. There are people out there who have more crap to deal with than I do so what gives me the right to be stressed?'
And so the yelling starts in my house once again.....time for me to leave.
Another thing, this isn't a continuance from my last post. I completely deleted the post that I was going to write, so just disregard the last post. :)
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Frazzled
I've been trying to organize my thoughts so I could post them in a coherent form, but it isn't working. This last post has been in progress for a few days and I am still unable to write everything down in a way that would make sense to everyone who reads it.......I'll try again later.
Monday, June 1, 2009
A Way to Smile
Friends- they change- sometimes for the best, but not always. You need to know when to separate yourself from them in hopes that they face reality and begin to help themselves. It isn't always easy to walk away from friends, especially when they seemed to be the only one you could talk to without worrying about anything; but when it comes to one's safety, walking away is the best option. People say you should always stand by your friends when they're in rough patches. I don't think that's always true, sometimes it's best to walk away from a friendship in order for them to realize what they've lost. All you can do is watch them from afar and hope that they get their life back in order and surface back to reality.
Friends- they bring about smiles and fun times- it's never a dull moment! Currently summer vacation, unfortunately living back at home and hating it with a passion. It's the great escapes- whether it be a few hours or a few days- that make things seem more sane. Enjoying a few cigarettes late at night in the park or road tripping to concerts, it's always good to get away for a nice break. If only these fun times would come around more often. When all else fails, memories are just as nice. Reflecting back and cracking a smile just thinking about all the awkward and fairly entertaining things......helps to hold one over until the next big adventure.
What is a true friend? It seems that when my head is about to pop and my tolerance towards people is running short....my friends are never around. This frustrates me because every time they're in a bad situation and need someone to talk to, I'm ALWAYS there, no matter what time of the day or night. At times, I feel that this is my weakness. It's important that I be there when my friends need someone to talk to but they don't seem to think of it as being as important as I do- am I too good of a friend? Perhaps I need to downgrade my level of caring for my friends?.....but isn't that similar to being a bad friend? Maybe I have yet to find a true friend who will try to be there for me as much as I have been there for my "friends"? So many questions that leave me to ponder........should I even be thinking about this in as much detail as I do? It's not like I need a friend to just sit there and listen to me vent, but it would be nice to hang out with someone who has similar interests as I do and who enjoys doing crazy and outgoing things from time to time. Someone who can be spontaneous and random, but still practical and mature. While writing this, I'm pondering once again......am I looking for a friend or am I looking for something more along the lines of a relationship? Heh, these last few sentences seem like something that would go in a personal add! HA!
Friends-they don't always have to be human- and verbal communication isn't always necessary. I have four cats in my house (I'm allergic to them, but I love them none the less). I love my cats, but they are rather boring, they lay around and sleep all day. But the other night, while dog-sitting with a friend, I realized that a dog would be a perfect companion for me. We were taking care of two dogs, a little Maltese (Buddy) and a beautiful Golden Retriever(Jamesy). When I first got to the house, my friend warned me that Jamesy was the "demon dog" who is always getting in trouble. I found this hard to believe because she greeted me in a friendly way and her tail never stopped wagging. We ended up watching the dogs for about 3 days, and I spent the entire time petting, playing catch and talking to Jamesy. Yes, I was talking to a dog, I know. But it was weird, she'd look me directly in the eyes as if she were REALLY listening and understanding. Many people say that dogs are able to tell when a person needs a "lap dog" to comfort them and just be there for them. Jamesy was definitely my lap dog the entire time I was dog-sitting. If there was one thing I couild have right now, I would wish for a lap dog like Jamesy...
Friends- they bring about smiles and fun times- it's never a dull moment! Currently summer vacation, unfortunately living back at home and hating it with a passion. It's the great escapes- whether it be a few hours or a few days- that make things seem more sane. Enjoying a few cigarettes late at night in the park or road tripping to concerts, it's always good to get away for a nice break. If only these fun times would come around more often. When all else fails, memories are just as nice. Reflecting back and cracking a smile just thinking about all the awkward and fairly entertaining things......helps to hold one over until the next big adventure.
What is a true friend? It seems that when my head is about to pop and my tolerance towards people is running short....my friends are never around. This frustrates me because every time they're in a bad situation and need someone to talk to, I'm ALWAYS there, no matter what time of the day or night. At times, I feel that this is my weakness. It's important that I be there when my friends need someone to talk to but they don't seem to think of it as being as important as I do- am I too good of a friend? Perhaps I need to downgrade my level of caring for my friends?.....but isn't that similar to being a bad friend? Maybe I have yet to find a true friend who will try to be there for me as much as I have been there for my "friends"? So many questions that leave me to ponder........should I even be thinking about this in as much detail as I do? It's not like I need a friend to just sit there and listen to me vent, but it would be nice to hang out with someone who has similar interests as I do and who enjoys doing crazy and outgoing things from time to time. Someone who can be spontaneous and random, but still practical and mature. While writing this, I'm pondering once again......am I looking for a friend or am I looking for something more along the lines of a relationship? Heh, these last few sentences seem like something that would go in a personal add! HA!
Friends-they don't always have to be human- and verbal communication isn't always necessary. I have four cats in my house (I'm allergic to them, but I love them none the less). I love my cats, but they are rather boring, they lay around and sleep all day. But the other night, while dog-sitting with a friend, I realized that a dog would be a perfect companion for me. We were taking care of two dogs, a little Maltese (Buddy) and a beautiful Golden Retriever(Jamesy). When I first got to the house, my friend warned me that Jamesy was the "demon dog" who is always getting in trouble. I found this hard to believe because she greeted me in a friendly way and her tail never stopped wagging. We ended up watching the dogs for about 3 days, and I spent the entire time petting, playing catch and talking to Jamesy. Yes, I was talking to a dog, I know. But it was weird, she'd look me directly in the eyes as if she were REALLY listening and understanding. Many people say that dogs are able to tell when a person needs a "lap dog" to comfort them and just be there for them. Jamesy was definitely my lap dog the entire time I was dog-sitting. If there was one thing I couild have right now, I would wish for a lap dog like Jamesy...
Friday, April 10, 2009
It's days like these when I try to stay positive. With Easter right around the corner, people who usually don't spend much time devoted to "the Guy upstairs" find themselves thinking about Him more often around this time of the year. Thinking about Him sends a sense of happiness and a feeling that everything will be alright when I find myself falling into that bottomless black hole. Everyone knows about the wonderful black pit of darkness, things going completely wrong and your list of daily tasks continues to grow at a rapid pace. Easter time seems to bring about a feeling of relief, spring has started to come around with the sun becoming brighter and warmer with every passing day...
Trying to stay positive....easier said than done. Less than a month left of college-preparing for next semester, finishing up with final exams and moving back home for 3 months. While registering online for classes for next year my access to the school website was denied. There was a glitch in my financial aid as it was transferred over to my current college this past semester and there is now need for yet another loan to be taken out. The confirmation of my new loan will take at least a month to go through my college so who knows if I will even be able to sign up for classes for next semester, by the time I can access the website all of the classes I need to take will already be full and unavailable. All one can do is take a deep breath, put on some music and walk out into the sun.....
On a much lighter note, I'm currently reading I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell by Tucker Max. As I was walking around the bookstore I came across the book which was laying out on a display table at the end of the aisle. I hadn't found anything interesting yet so I randomly picked it up and the first sentence read "Hello, my name is Tucker Max, and I am a complete a**hole" I immediately smiled and went home with a new book to read. It is impossible to read the book without laughing or at least smiling, there are a few perverted parts in it but I figure hey, it's written by a cocky guy so it is to be expected. If you're up for an infinite amount of sarcasm and reading about ridiculous drunkenness, I highly recommend investigating the book.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
So after starting this blogging, there's so much on my mind to write but I just CAN'T get it out. I don't want to have a boring blog, I want a blog that people enjoy reading and can actually take away from it- a blog that people read and are able to nod in agreement (or disagree with things as well). So the topic of discussion......
Decision making. Don't rush it. Today I need to sign up for a dorm room for the fall semester at college. I just transferred to my current college this semester, so in the beginning of the year when everyone was starting to get used to each other and making friends, I wasn't here ( I was at my previous college, aka-HELL). Since transfer students are randomly placed where ever there's room for them, I was placed in an upper class man house (instead of the freshman buildings with everyone else) and I have my own room. Granted I enjoy having my own room...in an actual house.....avoiding some of the utter stupidity that one has in their first year of college, but it also has its down-fall. I'm unable to socialize with people my own age, since I don't live in the same buildings as they do I don't see them very often which leaves me to pretty much fly solo and lead a socially handicapped lifestyle for the time being. So since I'm obviously not enjoying my college experience-I want out! I thought I would be able to enjoy college better if I had my own apartment, I wouldn't have to worry about finding a roommate for next year (which is going to be quite difficult seeing as I don't know anyone on campus) and it would let me have a place to call "home".
"Home", most are excited to get the hell out of dodge when they're a freshman, as I definitely was. But once in college, the word "home" became non-existent. The place where you live, in your dorm room, consists of a desk, chair and a bed....not too appealing. I consider "home" a place where you can flop down on the couch after getting home from work, turning on the TV and getting assignments done, stuff like that. Which is why I was so determined to get an apartment, I wanted a place where I could have a couch, decorate it the way I chose and to hang up a corny little sign that read "home sweet home". I didn't want to have to deal with the stress of finding a random stranger on campus who needs a roommate and the 2 of us end up sharing a room for an entire year.........as you can see I have BIG trust issues. But hey, I'm going to be a trooper (I hope) and find someone who has similar likes/dislikes as I do and you never know, maybe we'll enjoy sharing a room and become good friends....sounds quite fairytale-ish, I know. With this said, I've come to realize that I run scared and look for alternatives to things instead of dealing with them, but this time is different. If my future roommate and I don't like each other, so be it, it'll be a little awkward but I think we'll both survive and if worse comes to worse-we REALLY can't stand each other- I'll follow through with my other plan, look for a cheap apartment close to school.
"School".....supposed to be the best/worst time in one's life. So far I've succeeded in leaning towards the "worst" time but staying optimistic is always good. I tend to think "God what's wrong with me?" I'm complaining that I'm not enjoying my time in college as much as others while people outside (literally) are scrounging for food and a place to sleep for the night. I'm so much better off than people in other places in the world where they can only dream about going to school.
Many people spend too much time complaining about little things in life that don't go their way and they forget about how lucky they are that they have food on the table, shelter, a job and many other luxuries that others deem as out of reach. For those of us sitting in front of the computer, bellies full and fairly healthy.....we should consider ourselves lucky and wake up every morning with a smile.
Perhaps more later.......
Decision making. Don't rush it. Today I need to sign up for a dorm room for the fall semester at college. I just transferred to my current college this semester, so in the beginning of the year when everyone was starting to get used to each other and making friends, I wasn't here ( I was at my previous college, aka-HELL). Since transfer students are randomly placed where ever there's room for them, I was placed in an upper class man house (instead of the freshman buildings with everyone else) and I have my own room. Granted I enjoy having my own room...in an actual house.....avoiding some of the utter stupidity that one has in their first year of college, but it also has its down-fall. I'm unable to socialize with people my own age, since I don't live in the same buildings as they do I don't see them very often which leaves me to pretty much fly solo and lead a socially handicapped lifestyle for the time being. So since I'm obviously not enjoying my college experience-I want out! I thought I would be able to enjoy college better if I had my own apartment, I wouldn't have to worry about finding a roommate for next year (which is going to be quite difficult seeing as I don't know anyone on campus) and it would let me have a place to call "home".
"Home", most are excited to get the hell out of dodge when they're a freshman, as I definitely was. But once in college, the word "home" became non-existent. The place where you live, in your dorm room, consists of a desk, chair and a bed....not too appealing. I consider "home" a place where you can flop down on the couch after getting home from work, turning on the TV and getting assignments done, stuff like that. Which is why I was so determined to get an apartment, I wanted a place where I could have a couch, decorate it the way I chose and to hang up a corny little sign that read "home sweet home". I didn't want to have to deal with the stress of finding a random stranger on campus who needs a roommate and the 2 of us end up sharing a room for an entire year.........as you can see I have BIG trust issues. But hey, I'm going to be a trooper (I hope) and find someone who has similar likes/dislikes as I do and you never know, maybe we'll enjoy sharing a room and become good friends....sounds quite fairytale-ish, I know. With this said, I've come to realize that I run scared and look for alternatives to things instead of dealing with them, but this time is different. If my future roommate and I don't like each other, so be it, it'll be a little awkward but I think we'll both survive and if worse comes to worse-we REALLY can't stand each other- I'll follow through with my other plan, look for a cheap apartment close to school.
"School".....supposed to be the best/worst time in one's life. So far I've succeeded in leaning towards the "worst" time but staying optimistic is always good. I tend to think "God what's wrong with me?" I'm complaining that I'm not enjoying my time in college as much as others while people outside (literally) are scrounging for food and a place to sleep for the night. I'm so much better off than people in other places in the world where they can only dream about going to school.
Many people spend too much time complaining about little things in life that don't go their way and they forget about how lucky they are that they have food on the table, shelter, a job and many other luxuries that others deem as out of reach. For those of us sitting in front of the computer, bellies full and fairly healthy.....we should consider ourselves lucky and wake up every morning with a smile.
Perhaps more later.......
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
First of the First
So I'm completely new to this whole concept of blogging but I figured I'd give it a try. Hmmm....so how does one actually start writing and posting? There's so much to talk about, granted everything that will probably come out of my mouth will be random nothingness so you can now consider yourself warned. I have a feeling I'm going to like this blogging idea....IF I remember that I actually have a blog. Things tend to escape my memory quite easily when I'm preoccupied, like I am right now. Don't feel like going into detail about it right now, maybe later....
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