Never Ending

*Caution: this post is 100% venting and bitching.....proceed with caution*

Now that I have warned you, let the venting begin, but first a little intro......

I had an absolutely amazing weekend. I went to an Irish festival and saw a lot of friends I hadn't seen in a long time and we all hung out, listened to great music and most of us stayed up chatting well into the morning hours. It was also a little sad because it was also a going away party for 2 very close friends of mine who are moving to another state down south, but it's not like I'll never see them again so whatever. The festival ended on Sunday and it was crappy because it was the end of an awesome weekend, saying good bye to friends and it also meant that I had to head back home.....which is never a thing to look forward to.

So I get home from the festival and I'm only able to get one foot on the first step of my porch, before I'm able to go any farther my father comes to the door and starts yelling at me that my mother and younger brother went to go see a movie..."The Orphan". I'm guessing that he hadn't seen any previews of the movie because he immediately started cursing at me and asking me why they would want to go see a depressing movie about an orphan. *eye roll* I proceeded to tell him that it was a horror movie and he didn't say anything, THEN he starts getting louder asking me in a shrieking voice why they didn't invite him. (mind you I'm still standing on the first step of my porch with my hands filled with camping stuff, I wasn't able to move because he was standing in my way and wouldn't let me pass). Finally I drop my stuff and decide to just walk away and unload my car, but he follows me and continues his rampage while I'm doing all of this. I warn him that I've had less than 5 hours of sleep the entire weekend and that there is no coffee in my system so it probably isn't the best idea to be yelling at me right now.....but does he listen? Absolutely not, he simply continues.

Yes, it was a lovely way to welcome me home from being gone all weekend. Aside from being bummed about ending the weekend and saying good bye to many friends, I come home and listen to people tell me that I'm "part of the family and there's no way for you to get out of it, you're stuck here just like the rest of us." I refuse to believe that....I am NOT stuck and the only way I'm part of a family is if *I* decide to be, yes we are bonded by blood, but that's the only thing we have in common.

Then my mother comes home with my brother and they tell me about the movie, it sounded pretty good. She says she really missed me and gives me a hug, but then tells me I left her with a lot of hard work to do since I took Friday off from work (we work together at the same job). Wow, what a great welcome home, first you say you miss me and then you keep throwing the guilt trip at me for taking a day off of work to go to an Irish festival....thanks. *eye roll* My brother on the other hand barely acknowledged me, he got home- told me about the movie- and went to his room to play his video games.....whatever.


Lets move on to yesterday......

The contract for our cellphones (my mother's and mine) ended and she wanted to cancel it and get me a better plan since I'm going back to college soon. The deal was that she would pay the bill as long as I would pay for the cellphone and the activation fee....not a problem, I thought it seemed fair. We run a few errands before heading to the Verizon store and all the while she is complaining about the prices of cellphones and the cost of the different plans (which yes they are expensive, but I'm out of the house and back to college once again....what the hell am I supposed to do about it?). I told her that I have enough money to pay the monthly bill but she absolutely refused to even let my finish....she then went on yelling at me that I didn't have enough money and that my first priority is college and not paying bills. *massive eye roll* So after listening to her complain for about an hour I ask her, "I'm leaving for college and I have to have some means of communication, what do you want me to do?" She was quiet for a minute and then all Hell broke loose, she told me that there was absolutely nothing I could do about it and then decided to drive like a maniac until we got to the store....where she proceeded to park like a moron, taking up 2 spots and park crookedly.



On our drive home I thank her for the phone and the rest of the drive was silent. We get home and I have to deal with my brother being completely jealous and bitching to my mom about wanting a new phone....which left her to be very friendly with me (note sarcasm).

Moving onto today....

It isn't even noon yet and I've already been in a handful of issues. JUST finished my first cup of coffee and am debating getting another. Unfortunately I woke up around 9:45 and things started at about 10:30. My father comes into my room (where I like to hide) and tells me that the woman working with my mother tonight won't be able to work tonight (I work with her every other day and the lady works with her when I don't). When my mother comes home.....everything is going to hit the fan and it isn't going to be pretty. Knowing her, she will complain to me about it until she finally asks me if I'll work tonight, which I REALLY don't want to do. Which is why I plan on wrapping us this blog, getting in my car and getting the heck outta here.

Since my mother knew I had today off, she volunteered me to keep my brother entertained all day by taking him to the amusement park. I don't mind spending time with my brother, he seems like the only sane one in the family.....but then again he's still young and there's plenty of time for that to change while living at my house. The only problem I have with this is money, it costs money to go to the park, and I don't have any money because it is all in the bank. See, I plan on going to Ireland in May and I need to save as much money as I possibly can ( literally, every single penny). When I tell her about Ireland she seems happy that I might be going again, and asks about the expenses, so I tell her that I plan on funding my trip by saving....hardcore saving. Which means no shopping, no new shoes, jewelry or anything...nada! All she does is smirk at me when I tell her I'm going to avoid spending my money as much as I can.......then she tells me that she told my brother I would take him to the amusement park and that later in the month I'm going to take him to Six Flags.....mind you she told him I would do this before I even knew about it.

Anyway, my dad started in on me again after he told me the lady wasn't going to be working with my mother tonight. I told him that I was taking my brother to the park and that I wouldn't be able to work anyway, and that she's going to be raging mad when she gets home. He started telling me how stubborn, bitchy and ungrateful my mother is and that even when you try to please her she's never happy.......really? do you think this is a good thing to discuss with your friggin child? They both tend to do that a lot, telling us, my brother and I, how the other is a stupid fool and that they have no brains. *eye roll*

So once my head started pounding from his heightened voice, I told him that he needs to stop because I haven't been up long enough to even process anything he was saying. So he tells me that one of these days he and I need to sit down and have a long discussion about my mother without yelling or curing......pfft yeah right! I'm not sure he even comprehends what it means to have an inside voice let alone be able to use words that aren't used truckers or drunken sailors!

I now have to get ready because my brother is getting antsy, and of course I have to stop at the bank first to withdrawal money out of my bank account. I'm really not in the mood to go anywhere and it looks like it's about to rain, all I want to do is grab my book and find a quiet place to read....I don't think that will be happening anytime soon though...


Heh, I just did a quick proof read and it made me chuckle. At the Irish Fest, a lady I know had tarot cards and did a reading for me.....reading this post just reminds me of everything she told me about myself and my parents. The next morning I was talking to her about the reading she did for me and thanked her (again) for everything she told me. While we were talking about it I said...
-me: "it was really good to hear someone tell me these things about everything to my face because it makes me..... (she cut in)
-her: (looking me directly in the eyes) "I know what you're going to say, and you are definitely not going insane or imagining anything."

That last comment left goosebumps on my arms and I felt a weight lift off of me, and I thank her continuoulsy for telling me that, it made a big difference....

Time To Go....

I'm headed out to do some shopping and then hit the beach. Most people think I'm crazy and that I go shopping too often, but just because I say I'm going shopping doesn't exactly mean I ever buy anything, I just like to walk around and look at things. Most of the time I never buy anything anyway, only when I'm lucky to find something that I like do I buy it. I try to get out of the house as much as I can( I'm currently home from college for summer vacation) , and if it means walking around the mall and just looking at things....then so be it.

The beach is what I'm looking forward too. Not swimming, squishing sand between my toes or hanging out with friends, but just sitting on the rocks alone....staring out, watching the waves and thinking. I'm at the point where I feel like I'm about to go insane, too many things are fluttering around in my head and I need to sort them out and figure out how to fix the things that can be fixed and prepare myself for things that cannot be fixed. Most of the time I try to block out things that I can't fix, to save myself from thinking or worrying about them.....but it never works.

The last time I went to the beach it was a spur of the moment decision and I just left. My mother continuously asked questions when I was trying to escape as to why I was going to the beach alone and I simply told her that I just need to think about things. This did not fulfill her curiosity, she wanted to know more and wanted to know what was wrong with me. But at that time, I wasn't even sure what was wrong with me, I just knew I had to get out and be alone. I came home a few hours later, reeking of cigarette smoke and still had a head filled with millions of unsorted thoughts. She said she was worried about me and I told her I was fine, but she told me that I was stressed and I needed to calm down. I got to my room- shut my door- and thought....'stressed?......I have no right to be stressed. There are people out there who have more crap to deal with than I do so what gives me the right to be stressed?'

And so the yelling starts in my house once again.....time for me to leave.



Another thing, this isn't a continuance from my last post. I completely deleted the post that I was going to write, so just disregard the last post. :)

Frazzled

I've been trying to organize my thoughts so I could post them in a coherent form, but it isn't working. This last post has been in progress for a few days and I am still unable to write everything down in a way that would make sense to everyone who reads it.......I'll try again later.