Saturday, August 22, 2009
I was bored and decided to read back through all of my posts. I found that I couldn't finish reading all of them because I was getting SO irritated with myself.....almost all of my posts were about stupid things and me just using my blog to take out my frustration about stupid things. So I've decided I will not be making another post until it is about something happy or entertaining, it will be nothing sad, depressing or filled with anger.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Just done, completely done
Once again, I get home from a concert and in less than 15 minutes of getting out of my car there is bickering and arguing between myself and and one of my parents..... again, it was my father and I going at it.
Haven't seen my mother in over 48 hours, since I was away at a concert and because of being at work, but she just walked in the door. I hate my life.
The basics of the story.....
My mother cancelled our old cell phone plan, she wanted me to have my own plan. Got a new plan and phone, which I have had for only a week. Since the old plan was cancelled, my brother was griping because he was without texting. They just came home a little while ago and he walks into my room with a brand new phone, tells me that I need to get a different phone and different plan because if I'm on the same plan as he is then it will be cheaper. My mother is standing in my room while he is telling me this and I'm just sitting on my bed feeling like the prey, both of them staring at me waiting for an answer. At this point I can't even think straight, I just had a fight with my father and all I want is to be home alone with peace and quiet, no one to talk to me or even pay attention to me.
I dont plan on telling my mother I had a fight with my father because she'll want to talk about it and have me explain everything, then she'll go back to my father and tell him what I said...so then he'll come and talk to me about what my mother told him...it happens all the time and it's just a damn f**king ring a round.
I don't want a new phone, I'm just getting used to the one I have now and I seriously love my new phone. If I get a new phone then I wont have to listen to my mother or bother bitch at me and it will be a little bit cheaper, but if I do get a new phone then I'll have to cancel the plan I have now (cancellation fees are expensive) and I paid for the phone and the activation fee...so all that money I spent will be wasted.
Seriously.....dear God I'm so serious right now, I cannot take it anymore, I CANNOT stay here any longer. I don't know what to do. I'm so sick of having an amazing time at concerts and hanging out with new people and old friends-then coming home to fighting, yelling, and crying out of pure frustration.
I know I'm probably going to Hell for saying this, but sometimes I wish I didn't have any family. Or I wish that I was older and able to live on my own in my own apartment, no where near my family.
I just want a quiet place of my own where there isnt anyone to ridicule me about my weight, where there's no one to complain about me to other family members, where there isn't anyone to tell me they can't wait for my summer vacation to be over so I can finally move back to college and where there's no one to shoot me down.
At home I don't have a happy place, I need a happy place and I need it now.....
I try to keep reminding myself of what a close friend told me...."you're not insane or going crazy, it's just difficult right now."
Haven't seen my mother in over 48 hours, since I was away at a concert and because of being at work, but she just walked in the door. I hate my life.
The basics of the story.....
My mother cancelled our old cell phone plan, she wanted me to have my own plan. Got a new plan and phone, which I have had for only a week. Since the old plan was cancelled, my brother was griping because he was without texting. They just came home a little while ago and he walks into my room with a brand new phone, tells me that I need to get a different phone and different plan because if I'm on the same plan as he is then it will be cheaper. My mother is standing in my room while he is telling me this and I'm just sitting on my bed feeling like the prey, both of them staring at me waiting for an answer. At this point I can't even think straight, I just had a fight with my father and all I want is to be home alone with peace and quiet, no one to talk to me or even pay attention to me.
I dont plan on telling my mother I had a fight with my father because she'll want to talk about it and have me explain everything, then she'll go back to my father and tell him what I said...so then he'll come and talk to me about what my mother told him...it happens all the time and it's just a damn f**king ring a round.
I don't want a new phone, I'm just getting used to the one I have now and I seriously love my new phone. If I get a new phone then I wont have to listen to my mother or bother bitch at me and it will be a little bit cheaper, but if I do get a new phone then I'll have to cancel the plan I have now (cancellation fees are expensive) and I paid for the phone and the activation fee...so all that money I spent will be wasted.
Seriously.....dear God I'm so serious right now, I cannot take it anymore, I CANNOT stay here any longer. I don't know what to do. I'm so sick of having an amazing time at concerts and hanging out with new people and old friends-then coming home to fighting, yelling, and crying out of pure frustration.
I know I'm probably going to Hell for saying this, but sometimes I wish I didn't have any family. Or I wish that I was older and able to live on my own in my own apartment, no where near my family.
I just want a quiet place of my own where there isnt anyone to ridicule me about my weight, where there's no one to complain about me to other family members, where there isn't anyone to tell me they can't wait for my summer vacation to be over so I can finally move back to college and where there's no one to shoot me down.
At home I don't have a happy place, I need a happy place and I need it now.....
I try to keep reminding myself of what a close friend told me...."you're not insane or going crazy, it's just difficult right now."
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Respecting My Lungs
I'm a smoker and I need to quit. I've been told numerous times by people that smoking is an awful habit and is bad for you.....no duh! Yes I realize smoking is a disgusting habit and that it can kill me, but do I stop smoking?...nope. Why do I continue smoking if I know all of the health risks involved with smoking? Easy answer- it relieves stress and helps me relax.
With the price of cigarettes increasing it's getting quite expensive to be a smoker, which is why I need to quit (of course, my health is also incorporated into my decision to quit). Thinking of all the money I would save if I didn't buy my packs of cancer sticks is making me cut back....big time.
Most people find is extremely difficult to quit smoking while others can easily quit cold turkey. I think I stand in the middle of the field......I don't find it impossible to quit, but I also don't think I'll be able to quit cold turkey. About 95% of my friends smoke which doesn't make it any easier, but I think it'll prove my dedication in quitting and saving money if I hang out with them and not light up a cigarette with them. Quite frequently, I can go a day or two without smoking (depends on where I am and who I'm around at the time). I've experimented once to see how long I could go without smoking while in college and if I remember right, I think I only lasted 3 days. But to give myself the benefit of the doubt....3 days is kind of a good start, most people say they're going to try and quit but then an hour later they're outside smoking. The key is not to cut yourself off cold turkey, but to wean yourself off of them by slowly reducing the amount of intake and tightening the belt a little more every week or so.
Most of the time, for me anyway, smoking is a social thing, if I see someone smoking then it'll make me want me to smoke. But if I'm in a group of non smokers then I won't feel as much of a need to have one. It also depends on my mood, if I'm happy- I smoke. If I'm mad or pissed off- I smoke. If I'm stressed out or nervous- I smoke a lot!
In order to keep my mind off of smoking I need to replace smoking with something else. Most people turn to eating...which is something I do NOT want to do, others turn to excessive exercising or something else along those lines. Now today, I went for a run because I had extra energy that I needed to burn and at the end of the run I felt awesome. I think that my replacement habit for smoking will be to run. Running seems to burn off a lot of steam, which is exactly what I need.
Here is the problem with that. I am a night owl, so what if I'm deeply craving a cigarette at like 2 in the morning or something? It's not like I can go for a jog at that hour....specially in my neighborhood! So do I allow myself that 2AM cigarette since I can't go running, or do I just try to avoid the craving altogether? (which never works).
With the price of cigarettes increasing it's getting quite expensive to be a smoker, which is why I need to quit (of course, my health is also incorporated into my decision to quit). Thinking of all the money I would save if I didn't buy my packs of cancer sticks is making me cut back....big time.
Most people find is extremely difficult to quit smoking while others can easily quit cold turkey. I think I stand in the middle of the field......I don't find it impossible to quit, but I also don't think I'll be able to quit cold turkey. About 95% of my friends smoke which doesn't make it any easier, but I think it'll prove my dedication in quitting and saving money if I hang out with them and not light up a cigarette with them. Quite frequently, I can go a day or two without smoking (depends on where I am and who I'm around at the time). I've experimented once to see how long I could go without smoking while in college and if I remember right, I think I only lasted 3 days. But to give myself the benefit of the doubt....3 days is kind of a good start, most people say they're going to try and quit but then an hour later they're outside smoking. The key is not to cut yourself off cold turkey, but to wean yourself off of them by slowly reducing the amount of intake and tightening the belt a little more every week or so.
Most of the time, for me anyway, smoking is a social thing, if I see someone smoking then it'll make me want me to smoke. But if I'm in a group of non smokers then I won't feel as much of a need to have one. It also depends on my mood, if I'm happy- I smoke. If I'm mad or pissed off- I smoke. If I'm stressed out or nervous- I smoke a lot!
In order to keep my mind off of smoking I need to replace smoking with something else. Most people turn to eating...which is something I do NOT want to do, others turn to excessive exercising or something else along those lines. Now today, I went for a run because I had extra energy that I needed to burn and at the end of the run I felt awesome. I think that my replacement habit for smoking will be to run. Running seems to burn off a lot of steam, which is exactly what I need.
Here is the problem with that. I am a night owl, so what if I'm deeply craving a cigarette at like 2 in the morning or something? It's not like I can go for a jog at that hour....specially in my neighborhood! So do I allow myself that 2AM cigarette since I can't go running, or do I just try to avoid the craving altogether? (which never works).
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