Nothing is okay anymore. My Dad died on October 12, 2010. Amyloidosis. A rare disease in which a foreign protein builds up in one's system and hardens the victim's organs. It starts in the kidneys, moves to the liver, the heart and eventually the brain. It's almost impossible for doctors to diagnose until it's way too late. For my Dad is started with his legs and feet becoming swollen, so swollen that he was unable to tie his shoes and could only wear baggy gym pants. The doctors thought it was kidney cancer at first and he immediately started chemo...nothing changed. The symptoms all started around the beginning of August....he was gone by October.
I found out he had "kidney cancer" the same day I was supposed to go to an irish festival, so I did my best to put on my happy face and try not to be the downer of the group. I didn't want to tell anyone because who wants to hear about other people's problems? I mean, they have their own shit to worry about, why should they care about what my problems are? Especially during an irish festival, they're there to have fun.
The guy I was seeing at the time took me out to dinner a few days later and I told him about my dad. His response-"well at least it's kidney cancer, the doctors can take care of that." That was all he said to me on the matter...then we moved on to the next topic of conversation. I felt like someone had just slapped my in the face. But enough about him, he doesn't exist to me anymore, just another stupid guy who wants nothing but to get laid.
Living over 100 miles away from home it was hard to visit and help my mom and little brother take care of my dad- that's the worst. Not having to witness the suffering that my dad went through day after day or taking care of him, I didn't help my family at all. I feel awful- I wasn't there to help, I failed my dad along with my mom and brother. My brother is 14, he should NOT have to help my mom change soiled sheets or help my mom pick my dad up off the floor after falling down in the bathroom...that is NOT okay. Trying to balance college and driving home when I could was not easy. The hospital near my hometown, St Joes, told my mother that there was nothing else they could do for my dad, so they sent him to a more advanced hospital in Rochester, an hour and a half away from my mom and brother. So....to take care of business and talk to the doctors, I was the one driving because my mother was in no condition to handle a car. Saturday I drove to pick up my mom and brother so we could visit my father, we stayed for a few hours and then I drove them home, hung out with old high school friends and then drove myself back to my house...I was home and in bed by 4am. The next day I was up at 5am to pick up my mother up by 7am to be in Rochester by 10Am to talk to the doctors to see what the next step was. While at the hospital, my dad was hallucenating- saying that he was seeing falshing lights up in the corner of his room.."Al, did you see those lights flashing over there?" *sigh* Then he'd start mumbling and saying that he wished he was dead and that he was just waiting for death to take him away. "I'm just going to die, that's what's going to happen." I had an hour worth of sleep and just stared at the doctors when they told me "it'd be best if you just took him home."
OMG...why am I taking my father home? He's sick and needs help to get better! Then it clicked...no Al, help is not an option, there's nothing else to do but wait, wait and see how long he lasts. My mom asked the hematologist how long my father had to live... "I'm not sure, he could live for another year for all we know." That's when something happened that I'll never forget...I've never heard my mother scream so loud in my entire life. I didn't realize it but I was shaking, it was the only thing I could do to hold back the tears and try to be strong for my dad, I didn't need him to be scared from watching me cry. I thought that he needed to see me with my head held high, that way he wouldn't be scared and he would have confidence that he would pull through, even though it was impossible for him to survive. My mom made arrangements that day as to when he would be released from the hospital and when he could come home.
At this point, after talking to the nure practitioner, hepatologist, nephrologist, oncologist and the hematologist and hearing them all say "wait and see, that's all we can do" I just wanted to grab them by their shirt collars and force them to do something...ANYTHING. My dad, already without the use of his kidneys, liver, and half of his heart hardened by the disease was in the state of dementia. I was just grateful that he knew my name, even though he would sometimes call me by my brother's name.
I'll never forget it, the last time I saw my dad his skin was the color of the yellow traffic signs (from the liver failure)....I still can't drive without thinking about him everytime I see the yelllow signs. His brain was so far gone that he just kept repeating to the doctor " I just need to get better so I can kick this sickness in the ass and get better so I can take care of my family." Before my mom and I left that day, we helped him out of the hospital bed and into a chair so he could look out the window. My mom had brought some stuff from home and he wanted his sunglasses because it was such a bright day. We left him in that chair...him looking out the window with his motorcycle glasses on and his favorite comfy slippers, skin so yellow it almost looked like an olive color. The last words I said to my dad were "I love you, I'll see you later."
I lied to him- I didn't see him later and I'll never see him again, how the hell could I have said that to me dad? I said it really loud, to add more assurance to it that I WOULD see him later. I wanted him to believe it but more so I wanted to believe it myself.
Two days later I got a call from my mom, it was 11PM and I was afraid to answer the phone, I knew it wasn't good news. She just said "Al, you need to come home tomorrow, I think it's getting close to time to say goodbye." I hung up the phone and just sat on the couch for the next 3 hours crying my eyes out and trying to figure out how to breath. The next day I left early and set my estimated time of arrival at 1pm. I got home and was hesitant to see him, I didn't know what to do so I went into my brother's room to talk to him nad see how he was doing. A few minutes alter my mom said she'd come in with me to see my dad. I thought he was sleeping....my mom started screaming and I immidiately yelled for both of them to get out of the room. I pushed them out and shut the door, I didn't want them to see my dad like that and I especially didn't want my brother to have the last memory of his father dead in bed. After shutting the door I just stared at my dad for a minute, trying to get my wits about me and then I finally walked over to find a pulse....nothing. I didn't know what to do, so I kissed his forehead and told him I loved him.
My mom came in and walked to the other side of the bed, just staring at me. I knew I couldn't give her what she wanted, she just stared at me with pleading eyes and I knew she wanted me to tell her that he's fine and just asleep....I couldn't even give her that much. I walked over to where she was and just held her, I think it took about 15 minutes for her to come to realization at to what was going on and for her to stop crying. After that I went ot go look for my brother because I had just realized that he wasn't in the room. I found him sitting on his bed facing the wall and petting one of our cats, I tried talking to him to let him know that it's okay to cry. I was hoping my hard headed brother would break down and just let it all out but he didn't, he just sat there and didn't say a word. I gave him a hug and told him I loved him, then went make the phone calls that I never thought I would be able to handle.
First person on the list: My dad's stuck up, rich older brother...
ME: Greg?
Greg: Yes.
ME: It's Allison. *sigh* I hate to tell you this but....it's over
Greg: Wow. That quick, huh? Do you know what you're doing for the funeral arrangements?
ME: I can't think yet, I have to take care of my mom and brother. I'll call you once I get things straightened out
That was it. My father had ben dead less than an hour and my uncle wanted to know what I was doing for the funeral. He didn't even seem emotional or give his sympathies. This is the story of my extended family. My two cousins also showed up to my father's funeral in jeans and Ugg boots- how disgraceful. After the funeral we went to a resaurant and since they live so far away and we never see them they wanted to take pictures of us all....I was not in the mood for pictures or for my aunt to talk my ear off...couldn't they just leave me alone and let me stare out the window peacefully?
I made about 20-30 phone calls that day and each one was harder than the one before.
My mom told me that someone was in the driveway and I went out to see who it was. It was HOSPICE....they were scheduled to visit my dad the day before but they just never showed up. As the woman got out of her car all I could say was "You're about 20 minutes too late." Another person showed up who was no help at all, being one of the head honchos of HOSPICE one would think that the lady wouldn't just stand around and that she would do SOMETHING...ANYTHING! The medical examiner came to confirm my father's death. It then proceeded with more phone calls, the district attorney to approve a hearse to come to the house to get my dad and calling the funeral home to also confirm that it wasn't a hoax.
I then heard a motorcycle outside. My dad's friend showed up and told me that another one of their friends had just told him that my dad was sick and he had come over to visit. After I told him what happened he just started balling and hugging me. Imagine- a leather jacketed big time biker balling and giving me, someoen he didn't even know, a hug. While outside talking to my father's friend, the door opened and they brought my dad out in the body bag. I watched as they put my dad in the back of that scary onyx black hearse and drove away. I followed the hearse out of my driveway and was SO tepted to run after them, I don't know what I would have done if I had caught up with them but I just didn't want them to take my dad away.
I walked back in the house after my dad's friend and the hearse left. I couldn't find my mother, she wasn't in the chair where I left her after making her a cup of tea. I found her kneeling beside the bed, rocking back and forth crying...I left her there so she could have her private moment and then proceeded to make more phone calls.
I've come to find out who my true friends are. Those who have stuck by me aren't my friends....they're more than friends, they're my family. Most friends told me to call them if I needed anything and all I can think of when they say this is "do you know me?...I'm not going to ask anyone for help, I'm too stubborn!" After they say that to me and give me their respects I hardly hear from them again, and even after 2 months after I still hardly hear from them. More of my brother's friends attended my father's funeral than any of mine, but then again most of my friends are back at college, over 100 miles away from the funeral site...but I know that if something like this happened to one of my friends then I don't care how far I'd have to drive to be there for them. Just proves the point that we're all alone in this world, we need to take care of ourselves and not many other people care about you...such is life.
Other friends didn't even say anything to me...and I think that equally hurts to the loss of my dad. People who considered me family didn't say anything to me, people who grew up with me didn't say anything, old boyfriends didn't say anything to me, and most importantly...the guy who considered me as his daughter and who was always fun to hang out with didn't say anything to me. Yeah, you definitely know who your true friends are.
As to getting over things and getting on with life...people think "oh good, she got out of bed and took a shower today...she's doing fine then!" News flash- just because I took a shower does not mean I'm fine. Every day seems to be harder then the one before. Anything can set me off to make me think of my dad and before you know it...BAM!...I'm drawing blood from my bottom lip from trying to hold back tears. I don't care about things anymore, I don't care about school, work, havign a social life (not that I had much of one to begin with) or anything. I find it almost impossible to get out of bed but somehow I do it even though I'm always tired- no matter how much sleep I get I'm ALWAYS tired. I get back from classes and I just want to lay in bed, there's no energy to do anything else. Sure, I laugh and smile still but that doesn't mean anything, I"m still numb. I hurt so bad. I don't know what to do to get out of this slump..I honestly don't know if it's even possible to get out of it.
No one wants to have a Debby Downer around them, which is another reason I just crawl into bed when I get home. If I'm in bed then I'm not bothering anyone or annoying them with my blubberiness.
I'm in hopes that one of these days something in my head will click and I'll just feel better and more determined to do school work, go see a movie, go to the theater or a concert. But I wonder, even if I did go out and do something...will it make me feel any better or will I just want to leave and crawl back into bed?
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Catch Up- part two
After returning back from Ireland and Scotland I went right back to work, trying to restock my bank account as best as I could before summer went into full swing with Irish festivals and friends to see.
Summer was good, Irish festivals galore and seeing friends that I hadn't seen in a long time. One festivals in particular was great. It's a festival that lasts all weekend and has camping right on the festivals grounds. Beer was flowing sufficient and everyone was having a great time. I ran into an "old friend" who traveled back to NY just to attend said festival. Since he moved away I figured things were done between us. It's a complicated story that takes too long to explain and doesn't even really make much sense, even to me. Anyway, he was at the festival and I didn't know how I felt about that- I didn't know if I was happy to see him, mad to know he was there or just sad because of all the bullshit he put me through. So, in order not to seem like the downer of the party I drank....a lot. I lost count of the number of shots I had that night after 5, along with the 4 or 5 beers I had on top of that. I enjoyed the Guinness and Apple corn far too much. It's tradition at the festival to rain the entire weekend, it happens every year and one year the weather was even categorized as a tornado. It's insane yet we always get together for this festival and enjoy the torrential downpour, high 90 degree weather during the day and too much alcohol- it's what we do.
So, being fair skinned and spending the entire day out in the sun I was already freezing from the sunburn and the dampness of the rain that night. Of course *HE* was glued to my side and tried to strike up conversations with me which I was not a fan of and just wanted him to go away from my group's party area and disappear...didn't quite happen that way. Being as it was early morning and we were still partying I decided it was time for me to sleep and put on dry clothes before I got pneumonia or something...he thought it was a grand idea to follow me. Needless to say he spent the night in my tent that night and being the idiot that I am I accepted a t-shirt he let me borrow because i couldn't find a dry sleeping shirt in my duffel bag. *sigh* Sounds stupid I know, but I feel that if a guy lets you borrow an article of his clothing then it means something..I don't know what, but it just means something. I gave it back to him the next morning and he gave me the biggest smile ever. The next day I didn't see him at all until I saw him back at the campgrounds...his arm over another girls shoulder. Never have I felt like throwing myself on the ground and wishing the earth would just swallow me up and I could disappear. I didn't talk to him the rest of the time we were there.
The worst part of all wasn't the fact that he had his arm around another girl, but that I realized that that night was the best sleep I've ever had. Every time I woke up his arm was always around me and he never let me go. I would open my eyes and he must've somehow known that I was awake because he'd look at me and kiss my forehead...it was perfect. It made me feel close to someone and a kiss on the forehead and not on the lips?...to me that just screams "I care about you"....apparently I'm more of an idiot than I thought because that was not the case.
He sent me a text a few weeks later saying that I'm awesome and he's nothing but a low life jerk. my response to him "you're absolutely correct, I'm not going to fight with you on that one". He told me that i was the most amazing woman he's ever met and I'm not like any other girl he's known. After texting for over 2 hours I still hadn't forgiven him but I felt that since he was telling me how much I didn't deserve to be treated the way he treated me that maybe he truly was sorry and that he really cared and thought about me often...WRONG.
I think I need to be slapped, to think that he actually cared about me even though he lived so far away. My dad died and he didn't even say anything to me. None of my other guys friends did either.
Summer was good, Irish festivals galore and seeing friends that I hadn't seen in a long time. One festivals in particular was great. It's a festival that lasts all weekend and has camping right on the festivals grounds. Beer was flowing sufficient and everyone was having a great time. I ran into an "old friend" who traveled back to NY just to attend said festival. Since he moved away I figured things were done between us. It's a complicated story that takes too long to explain and doesn't even really make much sense, even to me. Anyway, he was at the festival and I didn't know how I felt about that- I didn't know if I was happy to see him, mad to know he was there or just sad because of all the bullshit he put me through. So, in order not to seem like the downer of the party I drank....a lot. I lost count of the number of shots I had that night after 5, along with the 4 or 5 beers I had on top of that. I enjoyed the Guinness and Apple corn far too much. It's tradition at the festival to rain the entire weekend, it happens every year and one year the weather was even categorized as a tornado. It's insane yet we always get together for this festival and enjoy the torrential downpour, high 90 degree weather during the day and too much alcohol- it's what we do.
So, being fair skinned and spending the entire day out in the sun I was already freezing from the sunburn and the dampness of the rain that night. Of course *HE* was glued to my side and tried to strike up conversations with me which I was not a fan of and just wanted him to go away from my group's party area and disappear...didn't quite happen that way. Being as it was early morning and we were still partying I decided it was time for me to sleep and put on dry clothes before I got pneumonia or something...he thought it was a grand idea to follow me. Needless to say he spent the night in my tent that night and being the idiot that I am I accepted a t-shirt he let me borrow because i couldn't find a dry sleeping shirt in my duffel bag. *sigh* Sounds stupid I know, but I feel that if a guy lets you borrow an article of his clothing then it means something..I don't know what, but it just means something. I gave it back to him the next morning and he gave me the biggest smile ever. The next day I didn't see him at all until I saw him back at the campgrounds...his arm over another girls shoulder. Never have I felt like throwing myself on the ground and wishing the earth would just swallow me up and I could disappear. I didn't talk to him the rest of the time we were there.
The worst part of all wasn't the fact that he had his arm around another girl, but that I realized that that night was the best sleep I've ever had. Every time I woke up his arm was always around me and he never let me go. I would open my eyes and he must've somehow known that I was awake because he'd look at me and kiss my forehead...it was perfect. It made me feel close to someone and a kiss on the forehead and not on the lips?...to me that just screams "I care about you"....apparently I'm more of an idiot than I thought because that was not the case.
He sent me a text a few weeks later saying that I'm awesome and he's nothing but a low life jerk. my response to him "you're absolutely correct, I'm not going to fight with you on that one". He told me that i was the most amazing woman he's ever met and I'm not like any other girl he's known. After texting for over 2 hours I still hadn't forgiven him but I felt that since he was telling me how much I didn't deserve to be treated the way he treated me that maybe he truly was sorry and that he really cared and thought about me often...WRONG.
I think I need to be slapped, to think that he actually cared about me even though he lived so far away. My dad died and he didn't even say anything to me. None of my other guys friends did either.
Catching Up- part one
I went to Ireland and Scotland in May....t'was a grand time! It was my second time going to Ireland and I had more fun the second time around- hit some of the same towns that I was in the first time I went and it felt great to be back. It was nice to know my way around certain towns and feeling comfortable enough to wander around by myself and get lost, I loved every minute of it. I followed the same band there, Enter The Haggis, that I did the first time I went. It's impossible to describe, it was just amazing, the scenery is so magnificent that it honestly brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. I was in Killarney, Dublin, Galway, Belfast (only for a short time to catch a ferry, unfortunately). We rented a car while in Ireland- ya know, driving on the opposite side of the road was quite a blast!! If I knew how to drive standard then I definitely would've been in the drivers seat, I'm sad to say this is not the case and I was a passenger for the entire drive (very sad). Spent about a week in Ireland and then took a cab from Dublin to Belfast (3 hours..phew!) in order to catch a ferry to Scotland.
Was my first time on a boat but I don't think the ferry can even qualify as my first boating experience...it was a HUGE ferry and it didn't even feel as if I was on water. this ferry was crazy...it had an arcade for kids, a nail salon, a gift shop, computer area, movie theater and other such stuff that seems ridiculous to have on a boat. It was fun from what I remember, not that I remember much of it seeing as I was fast asleep for most of the ride after partying every night in Ireland...it was nice to catch up on the sleep and enter into Scotland to start fresh.
Scotland..how in the world do I describe Scotland. Being a die hard "I love Ireland more than any other place in the world" I was a little skeptical at first about going to Scotland. I knew I'd have a lot of fun there being in a new place and all but I wondered if I would just want to go back to Ireland instead of splitting my vacation time between the two places. We got into Scotland and ran to catch our train to Glasgow. I'll admit it, I cried on the train because it was so amazing there. I didn't see much, just the countryside and a whole bunch of grass...but it was so unbelievably gorgeous. The mountains in the background, the water flowing in a small stream down below....absolutely picture perfect.
Though I only went to Glasgow and Edinburgh, I'd go back to Scotland in a heartbeat before I'd go back to Ireland. (Shhh...don't tell anyone I said that!!). Heh. Glasgow was such a cool little place, completely down to earth and barely any tourists, which is exactly how I prefer it. It was a true feeling of what life in Scotland was like from day to day. Met a few nice guys there, too. Between the flirtation, beer, no tourists, and awesome feeling of being away from home and in a place...it was amazing.
Edinburgh was grand too, but in a different way. Being a history junkie I LOVED seeing Edinburgh Castle. Being able to see the CROWN, THE SWORD and the SCEPTER that was used by Mary Queen of Scots is still hard to believe. I actually SAW the crown that sat on her head! Absolutely amazing. The cathedrals, och the cathedrals were gorgeous! The architecture was simply unbelievable. To think how such enormous structures were made in such a perfect way hundreds of years ago and were still standing was an absolute blessing to witness. I could have gone into every single last church, cathedral (and every other word they use for religious buildings) in the entire area and still be start struck. Pictures are unable to capture the beauty of such amazing things but that didn't stop me from taking about a gazillion snap shots.
Overall it was an absolutely amazing time. I'll admit that I miss Scotland more than I miss Ireland. I'd love to go back to Glasgow and Edinburgh. If I had it my way I'd spend majority of my time in Glasgow and a day or two in Edinburgh. I'd go back to Edinburgh Castle and wander around for hours and then spend a few more hours walking the Royal Mile, trying to learn and memorize every last detail I could about the place. I'd definitely be ready to leave Edinburgh after a day or two though, too many tourists and not enough "Scotland life" to soak up. Glasgow....*sigh*....what an amazing escape it is from everything.
Was my first time on a boat but I don't think the ferry can even qualify as my first boating experience...it was a HUGE ferry and it didn't even feel as if I was on water. this ferry was crazy...it had an arcade for kids, a nail salon, a gift shop, computer area, movie theater and other such stuff that seems ridiculous to have on a boat. It was fun from what I remember, not that I remember much of it seeing as I was fast asleep for most of the ride after partying every night in Ireland...it was nice to catch up on the sleep and enter into Scotland to start fresh.
Scotland..how in the world do I describe Scotland. Being a die hard "I love Ireland more than any other place in the world" I was a little skeptical at first about going to Scotland. I knew I'd have a lot of fun there being in a new place and all but I wondered if I would just want to go back to Ireland instead of splitting my vacation time between the two places. We got into Scotland and ran to catch our train to Glasgow. I'll admit it, I cried on the train because it was so amazing there. I didn't see much, just the countryside and a whole bunch of grass...but it was so unbelievably gorgeous. The mountains in the background, the water flowing in a small stream down below....absolutely picture perfect.
Though I only went to Glasgow and Edinburgh, I'd go back to Scotland in a heartbeat before I'd go back to Ireland. (Shhh...don't tell anyone I said that!!). Heh. Glasgow was such a cool little place, completely down to earth and barely any tourists, which is exactly how I prefer it. It was a true feeling of what life in Scotland was like from day to day. Met a few nice guys there, too. Between the flirtation, beer, no tourists, and awesome feeling of being away from home and in a place...it was amazing.
Edinburgh was grand too, but in a different way. Being a history junkie I LOVED seeing Edinburgh Castle. Being able to see the CROWN, THE SWORD and the SCEPTER that was used by Mary Queen of Scots is still hard to believe. I actually SAW the crown that sat on her head! Absolutely amazing. The cathedrals, och the cathedrals were gorgeous! The architecture was simply unbelievable. To think how such enormous structures were made in such a perfect way hundreds of years ago and were still standing was an absolute blessing to witness. I could have gone into every single last church, cathedral (and every other word they use for religious buildings) in the entire area and still be start struck. Pictures are unable to capture the beauty of such amazing things but that didn't stop me from taking about a gazillion snap shots.
Overall it was an absolutely amazing time. I'll admit that I miss Scotland more than I miss Ireland. I'd love to go back to Glasgow and Edinburgh. If I had it my way I'd spend majority of my time in Glasgow and a day or two in Edinburgh. I'd go back to Edinburgh Castle and wander around for hours and then spend a few more hours walking the Royal Mile, trying to learn and memorize every last detail I could about the place. I'd definitely be ready to leave Edinburgh after a day or two though, too many tourists and not enough "Scotland life" to soak up. Glasgow....*sigh*....what an amazing escape it is from everything.
Abandonment
I've been gone for almost 8 months...oops. A lot of crap has gone down. I haven't forgotten about you ,dear blog, I'll post somethign more substantial in the next few days to catch up.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Running
I'm a runner. I try to run 7 days a week with 3.5 miles for each run. For those of you who don't run I know that sounds crazy, but once you start running you don't want to stop. I love running, it's the best stress reliever there is....even better than cigarettes (which I used to smoke constantly).
About 2 days ago while on my run I had an awful pain stabbing my leg with every step I took. It wasn't painful enough to make me stop running, but it wasn't a pain that I was able to ignore- but I still continued to run. The next day I went running and I felt the pain again as soon as I took my first stride, but I kept going anyway. I made it about 2.5 miles before I couldn't ignore it anymore and HAD to stop, the pain shot right up into my leg and was intense! With that said, I looked ridiculous the last leg of my run hobbling all the way back to my campus. It was quite a sight, me limping a mile back to campus all the while talking under my breath and swearing up a storm at my leg for ruining my run.
My friend, who is also a runner and more experienced, had a similar pain a few weeks ago and told me that I should lay off running for a few days to let my leg rest. I was not a fan when she said this to me, I didn't want to stop running, I didn't even want to miss one day! But I had no choice, I'd rather miss a day of running than do something serious to my leg that would cause me to stop running for a longer period of time.
So, after taking two days off of running, I CANNOT wait to go running tomorrow. I didn't run today because I wanted to make sure that my leg was okay and fully rested. I feel very awkward skipping my daily running routine and I miss it (I'm strange, I know). It's weird to think how skipping one little part of your day can throw everything else off and make one feel tense, like they're forgetting something important.
About 2 days ago while on my run I had an awful pain stabbing my leg with every step I took. It wasn't painful enough to make me stop running, but it wasn't a pain that I was able to ignore- but I still continued to run. The next day I went running and I felt the pain again as soon as I took my first stride, but I kept going anyway. I made it about 2.5 miles before I couldn't ignore it anymore and HAD to stop, the pain shot right up into my leg and was intense! With that said, I looked ridiculous the last leg of my run hobbling all the way back to my campus. It was quite a sight, me limping a mile back to campus all the while talking under my breath and swearing up a storm at my leg for ruining my run.
My friend, who is also a runner and more experienced, had a similar pain a few weeks ago and told me that I should lay off running for a few days to let my leg rest. I was not a fan when she said this to me, I didn't want to stop running, I didn't even want to miss one day! But I had no choice, I'd rather miss a day of running than do something serious to my leg that would cause me to stop running for a longer period of time.
So, after taking two days off of running, I CANNOT wait to go running tomorrow. I didn't run today because I wanted to make sure that my leg was okay and fully rested. I feel very awkward skipping my daily running routine and I miss it (I'm strange, I know). It's weird to think how skipping one little part of your day can throw everything else off and make one feel tense, like they're forgetting something important.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
So I've been running to be healthier. I didn't really care about losing weight because for once I was actually starting to feel some what comfortable with what I had to work with. Well, I guess you could say that comfort thing was just shot down. I just checked my BMI. In order to calculate your body max index one needs to know their weight and their height- I'm pretty tall and last time I had my height measured I was 5'10". Now, with college dining hall food and refusing to own a scale, I had guess guess my weight, but I'm pretty sure I'm not that far off. So, with all that said, I calculated my BMI and it says I'm overweight...lovely.
Granted I do tend to go crazy at times when I go to the dining hall with my friends but still, I don't feel like I'm overweight. I know I'm not mistaken because I checked and rechecked...5 TIMES! I know I'm not skinny, but I'm pretty sure I'm not overweight, that's a crock of shit. I feel like I'm just...regular- not skinny and not overly meaty. Whatever.
To whoever invented this BMI chart- I'm holding up three fingers, two of which are my index finger and my ring finger...read between the lines, asshole.
Granted I do tend to go crazy at times when I go to the dining hall with my friends but still, I don't feel like I'm overweight. I know I'm not mistaken because I checked and rechecked...5 TIMES! I know I'm not skinny, but I'm pretty sure I'm not overweight, that's a crock of shit. I feel like I'm just...regular- not skinny and not overly meaty. Whatever.
To whoever invented this BMI chart- I'm holding up three fingers, two of which are my index finger and my ring finger...read between the lines, asshole.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
I know I've been away for a while and once again abandoned my promise to blog regularly, my apologies. Lately I've been busy trying to get my classes straightened out and try to get into the classes I need in order to pursue my career. I want to be a pharmacist and I'm finishing my second year of college. I have yet to take a chemistry or a calculus class, this is not how it's supposed to work. I decided to retake my placement testing in order to get a higher score and hopefully jump straight into my classes. When I finally retook the test and they gave me my score I was elated, I not only scored high enough but I blew it out of the water and got higher than the score that I was aiming for. I finally felt as if my time in college was going to start getting better and I would feel like I have a purpose being here since I could finally start taking the classes that I need.
So yesterday, I was registering for classes and it wouldn't let me sign up for the calculus class. I emailed my advisor about it and he was mistaken...the score on the placement test that he told me I needed to get was incorrect and a lot higher from what he said, and though I scored high I still missed the cut off by 3 POINTS. The only way I can get into calculus is if I take the placement test AGAIN and score those 3 points higher. But no. I'm being stubborn and putting my foot down. I feel as if this school is doing nothing but screwing me over and making things much more difficult than they should be. First the college screwed up my financial aid, then they screwed up my loan processing, put a hold on my account and now they screw me over with classes...AGAIN. (I got screwed over with classes last year as well). This is pointless and I'm not getting anywhere. I need to switch my major to something that's more possible. Let's face it, I'm really stupid to even think that I'd be able to take all of these math, chemistry and physics courses to be a pharmacist, there's no way I'm smart enough to pull it off.
But it's so late in the game I'm not even sure what to do anymore. I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life or what I want to be. They ask you "well what do you like to do in your spare time?" PEOPLE, I never had any damn friggin spare time before college. I took car of my dad after his accident, took care of my brother while my mom got a second job, I cooked, cleaned and made sure my brother behaved. Then, when my dad was able to get up and move around on his own, I started helping my mom at her night job- come home from school, cook dinner, go to work, come home and do homework until 12-1 in the morning and then get up at 5:30 to do it all again. When I say I don't know what interests me I'm serious...I really have no idea what interests me enough to consider doing for the rest of my damn stupid life!
I'm lost, frustrated and confused. I don't want to do this anymore and I wish I could go away. I know that doesn't make sense to anyone reading.....it doesn't even make sense to me for crying out loud. But I'm ready to go...I feel like there's nothing I can do to figure things out or make a future life for myself. It's done, I had my shot and I failed.
So yesterday, I was registering for classes and it wouldn't let me sign up for the calculus class. I emailed my advisor about it and he was mistaken...the score on the placement test that he told me I needed to get was incorrect and a lot higher from what he said, and though I scored high I still missed the cut off by 3 POINTS. The only way I can get into calculus is if I take the placement test AGAIN and score those 3 points higher. But no. I'm being stubborn and putting my foot down. I feel as if this school is doing nothing but screwing me over and making things much more difficult than they should be. First the college screwed up my financial aid, then they screwed up my loan processing, put a hold on my account and now they screw me over with classes...AGAIN. (I got screwed over with classes last year as well). This is pointless and I'm not getting anywhere. I need to switch my major to something that's more possible. Let's face it, I'm really stupid to even think that I'd be able to take all of these math, chemistry and physics courses to be a pharmacist, there's no way I'm smart enough to pull it off.
But it's so late in the game I'm not even sure what to do anymore. I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life or what I want to be. They ask you "well what do you like to do in your spare time?" PEOPLE, I never had any damn friggin spare time before college. I took car of my dad after his accident, took care of my brother while my mom got a second job, I cooked, cleaned and made sure my brother behaved. Then, when my dad was able to get up and move around on his own, I started helping my mom at her night job- come home from school, cook dinner, go to work, come home and do homework until 12-1 in the morning and then get up at 5:30 to do it all again. When I say I don't know what interests me I'm serious...I really have no idea what interests me enough to consider doing for the rest of my damn stupid life!
I'm lost, frustrated and confused. I don't want to do this anymore and I wish I could go away. I know that doesn't make sense to anyone reading.....it doesn't even make sense to me for crying out loud. But I'm ready to go...I feel like there's nothing I can do to figure things out or make a future life for myself. It's done, I had my shot and I failed.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
This has just been an all around bad week. I can't really pin point it to one certain thing, it's more like a whole bunch of tiny things that keep adding up and adding up.
For one, my birthday is in 3 days. None of my friends seem to have remembered my birthday after all of the times I've told them when it is after they asked me. Most of our birthdays are close to each other so one would think it would be easy to remember or have an idea when they are. Apparently this is not the case. Whatever.
But it doesn't even matter anyway, they all go home for the weekend to see their boyfriends/ finances or to have "family time." So this year, just like last, I will be celebrating my birthday solo. Which isn't a big deal, I don't know what I'll do that day, if anything. I guess it's just the fact that my friends act so sad and say they miss me when I go away to Irish festivals or if I plan on being away doing something else to help out a friend yet they don't even know it's my birthday.
There's only one friend who seems to remember my birthday and she lives back home, over 100 miles away. I would probably go home this weekend for my birthday, not to see my family but to spend time with her if I didn't have to work. She and I have been good friends for a few years and since we don't go to the same college we don't get to see each other that often, which sucks. We're smoking buddies, we're the person the other goes to in order to get things off our chest and we're the person that knows what the other is thinking without even saying a word. We both know we can't sing to save our lives yet we burst out into song while driving places and feel comfortable enough not to care how awful we sound, we laugh at the same things and have similar thoughts (most of the time) on situations. Even when we don't agree on situations/events in the media or what have you we don't fight about it; we have a simple conversation about how we look at things and how we think things should be.
To do something for myself on my birthday would require spending money. And being the tight money pincher that I am I'm not sure I want to do that. Saving for a trip to Ireland also puts a damper on the celebratory money spending. I guess that means a tattoo is out of the question?
But it's my 20th birthday and I want to do something that I'll remember, something really special. In 3 days I will be 20, 2 decades old. No more "teen" for me, I'm out of that phase and into the mature, more adult like times. Kinda freaking out a bit about it, but not too much, more excitement than anything.
Trust me, I'm okay. It justs sucks kinda sucks.
I don't mind doing things on my own, I'm perfectly fine with it. I don't need someone to hold my hand, if I want to go off and do something then I'm going to do it, with or without my friends there with me. Turning 20 is a big step in life in my opinion, going from 19 to 20 is a big deal. I don't mind being solo for my birthday I guess, but it would just be nice to spend my special day that only comes around once a year with some friends.
For one, my birthday is in 3 days. None of my friends seem to have remembered my birthday after all of the times I've told them when it is after they asked me. Most of our birthdays are close to each other so one would think it would be easy to remember or have an idea when they are. Apparently this is not the case. Whatever.
But it doesn't even matter anyway, they all go home for the weekend to see their boyfriends/ finances or to have "family time." So this year, just like last, I will be celebrating my birthday solo. Which isn't a big deal, I don't know what I'll do that day, if anything. I guess it's just the fact that my friends act so sad and say they miss me when I go away to Irish festivals or if I plan on being away doing something else to help out a friend yet they don't even know it's my birthday.
There's only one friend who seems to remember my birthday and she lives back home, over 100 miles away. I would probably go home this weekend for my birthday, not to see my family but to spend time with her if I didn't have to work. She and I have been good friends for a few years and since we don't go to the same college we don't get to see each other that often, which sucks. We're smoking buddies, we're the person the other goes to in order to get things off our chest and we're the person that knows what the other is thinking without even saying a word. We both know we can't sing to save our lives yet we burst out into song while driving places and feel comfortable enough not to care how awful we sound, we laugh at the same things and have similar thoughts (most of the time) on situations. Even when we don't agree on situations/events in the media or what have you we don't fight about it; we have a simple conversation about how we look at things and how we think things should be.
To do something for myself on my birthday would require spending money. And being the tight money pincher that I am I'm not sure I want to do that. Saving for a trip to Ireland also puts a damper on the celebratory money spending. I guess that means a tattoo is out of the question?
But it's my 20th birthday and I want to do something that I'll remember, something really special. In 3 days I will be 20, 2 decades old. No more "teen" for me, I'm out of that phase and into the mature, more adult like times. Kinda freaking out a bit about it, but not too much, more excitement than anything.
Trust me, I'm okay. It justs sucks kinda sucks.
I don't mind doing things on my own, I'm perfectly fine with it. I don't need someone to hold my hand, if I want to go off and do something then I'm going to do it, with or without my friends there with me. Turning 20 is a big step in life in my opinion, going from 19 to 20 is a big deal. I don't mind being solo for my birthday I guess, but it would just be nice to spend my special day that only comes around once a year with some friends.
Monday, March 1, 2010
What happened?
All through high school I had safely built a wall that protected me from the typical boy emotions that females go through. I set my mind to think that guys were a total waste of time and I had better things to think about- like school, getting into college, work and other things. I made myself believe that I would never need or want a guy around, but that was then...
Moving to now. Trying to build that wall again is pretty tough. I want that wall back because things just seemed to be SO much easier (and safer) but then again I'm glad it's gone because when things are going good...they're good. Then there are the times when things aren't so great and that's when it sucks really bad. I'm so confused right now it's ridiculous, I can't find an answer to what I'm looking for and when I attempt to explain what I'm feeling I can never find the right words to what I'm trying to say.
I'm completely frustrated. I'm frustrated when it comes to all the things that pop into my head, all the things that could've been that aren't, I'm frustrated for not knowing what'll happen (if anything), I'm frustrated because I don't know if the same things are going through his head, frustrated because I can't explain myself or fully express to people how I feel. I don't even know if there are words that can be completely associated to how I'm feeling or what I want. I don't fully know what I want but I want something. I feel as if my head is about to explode- actually, I kind of wish it would explode, that way everything that's going on up there would escape and leave me alone.
Part of the frustration is with myself. Why/how did I let this happen? When did I turn into a ball of emotions and when did my big strong wall turn into a pile of rubble?
Moving to now. Trying to build that wall again is pretty tough. I want that wall back because things just seemed to be SO much easier (and safer) but then again I'm glad it's gone because when things are going good...they're good. Then there are the times when things aren't so great and that's when it sucks really bad. I'm so confused right now it's ridiculous, I can't find an answer to what I'm looking for and when I attempt to explain what I'm feeling I can never find the right words to what I'm trying to say.
I'm completely frustrated. I'm frustrated when it comes to all the things that pop into my head, all the things that could've been that aren't, I'm frustrated for not knowing what'll happen (if anything), I'm frustrated because I don't know if the same things are going through his head, frustrated because I can't explain myself or fully express to people how I feel. I don't even know if there are words that can be completely associated to how I'm feeling or what I want. I don't fully know what I want but I want something. I feel as if my head is about to explode- actually, I kind of wish it would explode, that way everything that's going on up there would escape and leave me alone.
Part of the frustration is with myself. Why/how did I let this happen? When did I turn into a ball of emotions and when did my big strong wall turn into a pile of rubble?
Monday, February 8, 2010
Al Green
As following my past post about "true friends" I stumbled upon one of my favorite songs in my itunes library. I have so many songs that I usually forget about them after a while so when I rediscover them it's like Christmas. :-)
The song that just popped up is "Lean On Me" by Al Green. Now intertwining the song into the current situation that I'm in (and that I feel like I'm in more than I care to admit)...
"It won't be long til I'm gonna need somebody to lean on"..."we all need somebody to lean on"..."if there's a load that you have to bear, that you can't carry I'm right up the road, I'll share your load if you just call me."
You're right Mr. Green, we all need someone to lean on. No matter how strong we act or how hard we try to hide what's really going on on the inside, we all need someone to talk to. We all need our special friend who will listen without judging and who will listen wholeheartedly. I feel that I listen wholeheartedly and don't judge when someone confides in me, what's said between us will stay between us and no other ears will hear.
Lately I feel as if I've needed someone to lean on, someone who will share my load but I'm having trouble finding that where I am right now. I don't open up often or to many people for that matter, I feel like a burden when I need to get something off my chest so most of the time I find it best to just keep it in and figure things out on my own...but that can sometimes create other problems (keeping things in I mean).
I'm just in slump right now I guess, something I'll pull myself out of soon enough. It's just kinda cruddy right now but I know I'll be fine. Tomorrow is another day.
The song that just popped up is "Lean On Me" by Al Green. Now intertwining the song into the current situation that I'm in (and that I feel like I'm in more than I care to admit)...
"It won't be long til I'm gonna need somebody to lean on"..."we all need somebody to lean on"..."if there's a load that you have to bear, that you can't carry I'm right up the road, I'll share your load if you just call me."
You're right Mr. Green, we all need someone to lean on. No matter how strong we act or how hard we try to hide what's really going on on the inside, we all need someone to talk to. We all need our special friend who will listen without judging and who will listen wholeheartedly. I feel that I listen wholeheartedly and don't judge when someone confides in me, what's said between us will stay between us and no other ears will hear.
Lately I feel as if I've needed someone to lean on, someone who will share my load but I'm having trouble finding that where I am right now. I don't open up often or to many people for that matter, I feel like a burden when I need to get something off my chest so most of the time I find it best to just keep it in and figure things out on my own...but that can sometimes create other problems (keeping things in I mean).
I'm just in slump right now I guess, something I'll pull myself out of soon enough. It's just kinda cruddy right now but I know I'll be fine. Tomorrow is another day.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
So today I had to go out for a bit and run a few errands done. After they were done I decided to stop and get something to eat, I was totally in the mood for something greasy and bad so I went to...*gasp*...Burger King. I know, everyone says Burger King is bad but hey, sometimes I don't feel like being healthy. There are certain times when females crave salty fries and greasy sandwiches...they are NOT to be denied these things. ;-)
Anyway, I was going through the drive-thru and as I was waiting for my food all I could hear was non-stop barking. I was looking around trying to figure out where all the noise was coming from and then I saw it....right next the the back door of the restaurant, tied to the iron rod fence without enough slack to lay down or walk around was a dog. The dog was standing on its hind legs peeking into the window and barking. It just made me feel completely awful seeing that. It was pretty widny and cold out today too, so that made me feel even crappier. I couldn't stop thinking that the dog is probably cold just hanging around on the cement sidewalk waiting for its owner to finish eating so they can go back home where it's warm.
It really bothered me seeing this today. Seriously, who in the world would treat their pet like that? Leaving it outside in the cold on a short leash and allowing it to constantly bark, the poor dog just looked so uncomfortable. Pets are not just animals, they're part of the family. A creature that you love as much as any other person (if not more) in your family. I know that if I had a dog, or any pet for that matter, I would rather skip eating than leave it out in the cold by itself on a short leash. If I was hungry enough I would get my food to go and sit outside and eat it with my dog. That may seem a bit extreme to some people, but that's just how I role...
Anyway, I was going through the drive-thru and as I was waiting for my food all I could hear was non-stop barking. I was looking around trying to figure out where all the noise was coming from and then I saw it....right next the the back door of the restaurant, tied to the iron rod fence without enough slack to lay down or walk around was a dog. The dog was standing on its hind legs peeking into the window and barking. It just made me feel completely awful seeing that. It was pretty widny and cold out today too, so that made me feel even crappier. I couldn't stop thinking that the dog is probably cold just hanging around on the cement sidewalk waiting for its owner to finish eating so they can go back home where it's warm.
It really bothered me seeing this today. Seriously, who in the world would treat their pet like that? Leaving it outside in the cold on a short leash and allowing it to constantly bark, the poor dog just looked so uncomfortable. Pets are not just animals, they're part of the family. A creature that you love as much as any other person (if not more) in your family. I know that if I had a dog, or any pet for that matter, I would rather skip eating than leave it out in the cold by itself on a short leash. If I was hungry enough I would get my food to go and sit outside and eat it with my dog. That may seem a bit extreme to some people, but that's just how I role...
Friday, February 5, 2010
Catching Up
It's been almost a month since I've written anything, I guess I fell out of the loop with the blogging world once again. Not much has happened since my last post, nothing overly exciting, I mean. Just a quick recap...
Second semester started, I have just as many classes as I had last semester but this semester they're more spaced out throughout the week, I kinda like it better that way. Things are going, nothing good, nothing bad...just going. One of my roommates was kicked out and moved back home, she wasn't very stable to begin with. I began losing my patience with her very early on in the beginning of the year, how can you help someone when they ask for it if they aren't willing to motivate themselves to better things? She said she wanted to do better but when the time came for her to step up her game she had the "I don't care" attitude. I just hope being kicked out of college opened her eyes and she'll get her act together and start over.
Went to a concert a few weeks ago and saw The Elders which was a lot of fun. You should definitely listen to them if you have a chance and if you're able to make it to one of their shows then I recommend chatting with them, they're really nice!
Looking forward to going to Shamrock Fest in March. It will be a crazy day filled with everything Irish. Meeting up with some friends once I get down there and then our ears will be filled with fun Irish music, 10 different stages and well over 40 bands that will be playing there!!
Um....I think that's about all there is when it comes to catching up, nothing much happening here...seriously, nothing at all.
I am an idiot. Why on earth did I befriend people that don't stay on campus for the weekends?! Out of all my friends I'm the only one that doesn't live in the general area, they all live within a 30 minute drive from my college. So while they're home with their boyfriends, spending time with their family and sleeping in their own beds I'm here...happy that there's some quiet time to be had, but I'm the only one here. There are 7 girls that live on the 3rd floor and on the weekends there's only 1...moi.
And this also gets me wondering about friends. I'm not sure that I can say I have a friend on campus that's a REALLY close friend. I mean, I have friends of course and when they have issues they need to work out they pretty much always find me and want to get it off their chest (which is fine, I'm happy that they feel most comfortable talking to me) but when the roles are reversed, when I need someone to talk to, it seems as if I become invisible and everyone has "too much work to do" or is "busy." Now why is it that even if it's 10 o'clock at night and I've got 200 pages to read in a book and a write up to do that's due the next day, I put it down so they can vent and feel better but when I need to talk or just need someone to sit there with me while I take all the thoughts in my head and say them out loud so I can get a better understanding of them ( and so they can comment as well) they're no where to be found? They sometimes, if they even notice, ask me what's wrong when I'm upset but when I start explaining things to them they seem to lose all interest, their cellphone will go off and they'll run to their room to get it or they'll completely cut me off and vent to me about something that happened to them that day.
I honestly don't vent often and I know this for a fact, I never get a chance to. I think that's partially the reason as to why I don't sleep at night, once everyone goes to bed it's nice and quiet which gives me time to think about things on my own and try to work situations out. I feel like all of my friends at college run to me when they have problems or just things they want to talk about but if I have something I want to talk about then it's all up to me to talk to myself about them (in my head of course :-) ).
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I have friends at college but at the same time I don't. I love them though, we have really fun times, but they aren't true friends.
Makes me wonder what it means to really be a 'true' friend and if there even is such a thing...
On a side note it's pretty warm outside today!!! There's still snow on the ground but not too much. I'm definitely ready for Spring, I miss the warm sun...."here comes the sun little darlin'..."
Happy Friday :)
Second semester started, I have just as many classes as I had last semester but this semester they're more spaced out throughout the week, I kinda like it better that way. Things are going, nothing good, nothing bad...just going. One of my roommates was kicked out and moved back home, she wasn't very stable to begin with. I began losing my patience with her very early on in the beginning of the year, how can you help someone when they ask for it if they aren't willing to motivate themselves to better things? She said she wanted to do better but when the time came for her to step up her game she had the "I don't care" attitude. I just hope being kicked out of college opened her eyes and she'll get her act together and start over.
Went to a concert a few weeks ago and saw The Elders which was a lot of fun. You should definitely listen to them if you have a chance and if you're able to make it to one of their shows then I recommend chatting with them, they're really nice!
Looking forward to going to Shamrock Fest in March. It will be a crazy day filled with everything Irish. Meeting up with some friends once I get down there and then our ears will be filled with fun Irish music, 10 different stages and well over 40 bands that will be playing there!!
Um....I think that's about all there is when it comes to catching up, nothing much happening here...seriously, nothing at all.
I am an idiot. Why on earth did I befriend people that don't stay on campus for the weekends?! Out of all my friends I'm the only one that doesn't live in the general area, they all live within a 30 minute drive from my college. So while they're home with their boyfriends, spending time with their family and sleeping in their own beds I'm here...happy that there's some quiet time to be had, but I'm the only one here. There are 7 girls that live on the 3rd floor and on the weekends there's only 1...moi.
And this also gets me wondering about friends. I'm not sure that I can say I have a friend on campus that's a REALLY close friend. I mean, I have friends of course and when they have issues they need to work out they pretty much always find me and want to get it off their chest (which is fine, I'm happy that they feel most comfortable talking to me) but when the roles are reversed, when I need someone to talk to, it seems as if I become invisible and everyone has "too much work to do" or is "busy." Now why is it that even if it's 10 o'clock at night and I've got 200 pages to read in a book and a write up to do that's due the next day, I put it down so they can vent and feel better but when I need to talk or just need someone to sit there with me while I take all the thoughts in my head and say them out loud so I can get a better understanding of them ( and so they can comment as well) they're no where to be found? They sometimes, if they even notice, ask me what's wrong when I'm upset but when I start explaining things to them they seem to lose all interest, their cellphone will go off and they'll run to their room to get it or they'll completely cut me off and vent to me about something that happened to them that day.
I honestly don't vent often and I know this for a fact, I never get a chance to. I think that's partially the reason as to why I don't sleep at night, once everyone goes to bed it's nice and quiet which gives me time to think about things on my own and try to work situations out. I feel like all of my friends at college run to me when they have problems or just things they want to talk about but if I have something I want to talk about then it's all up to me to talk to myself about them (in my head of course :-) ).
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I have friends at college but at the same time I don't. I love them though, we have really fun times, but they aren't true friends.
Makes me wonder what it means to really be a 'true' friend and if there even is such a thing...
On a side note it's pretty warm outside today!!! There's still snow on the ground but not too much. I'm definitely ready for Spring, I miss the warm sun...."here comes the sun little darlin'..."
Happy Friday :)
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
My poor blog, I've neglected it for a few days. But I have a good reason, Sunday I spent the whole day packing to move back to college, drove to college and then spent the night unpacking everything and getting ready to start classes again. Then Monday was not an option for blogging.
Sunday night I didn't sleep because my stomach decided to cramp up and act all weird, I have no idea what was wrong with it. It took me forever to fall asleep that night and when I did fall asleep I woke up about an hour later with horrible stomach pains. Never have I had such awful pain before, I continuously rolled over to find a comfortable position but nothing was working so all I could do was lay there wide awake and try to ignore it (which didn't work at all). I tried to think if I had eaten anything out of the ordinary that day but nothing came to mind and I couldn't think of anything that would cause so much pain, I got up and I couldn't even stand up straight because it hurt so bad! Finally it was time to get up and get ready for a day of classes, so off I went and man was I miserable. Today is Tuesday and my stomach is still a little sore but I can stand up a little straighter than before.
I slept a little better last night but I'm still cranky and nutty. I didn't have a cigarette yesterday so I guess that could partially be the cause for me being such a cranker. I wish I had a smoking buddy though. Most of the time I like to go outside at night to smoke alone because it's the only time I can get away from my roommates and have time to myself but there are also times when it's sad always being by myself. But whatever.
I've developed quite an attitude since I've been back to school. I don't want to go to classes (but I go), I don't want to live on campus, I don't want to deal with certain people that get on my nerves.....I'm just not a fan of this whole college thing at the moment. I'm sure it'll get better once I've gotten into the routine but right now all that's going through my head is "f**k you, you and you and leave me alone, don't bother me, and go away!" I don't feel like being a college student anymore, I'd much rather press the fast forward button to where I'm done with school, I'm graduated and out working my career job. Everything is just up in the air at the moment and I'm not dealing with it too well, and it doesn't help that there isn't much I can do to change things to make them more certain.
I've seriously been thinking about apartment searching again but I know that wouldn't help my attitude situation, it would only make it worse since I know that it isn't likely that I would find anything.
For New Years I went to Northampton Mass and I have been sick ever since. Not sick enough to be bedridden, but sick enough that I know I'm not feeling 100% and today I woke up with a God awful sore throat, my glands are so swollen I'm surprised they don't pop out of my neck....ouch.
Needless to say I feel like crap, don't want to be here nor do I see any near future purpose to what I'm doing. But I have to go now, gotta go get ready for class...
Sunday night I didn't sleep because my stomach decided to cramp up and act all weird, I have no idea what was wrong with it. It took me forever to fall asleep that night and when I did fall asleep I woke up about an hour later with horrible stomach pains. Never have I had such awful pain before, I continuously rolled over to find a comfortable position but nothing was working so all I could do was lay there wide awake and try to ignore it (which didn't work at all). I tried to think if I had eaten anything out of the ordinary that day but nothing came to mind and I couldn't think of anything that would cause so much pain, I got up and I couldn't even stand up straight because it hurt so bad! Finally it was time to get up and get ready for a day of classes, so off I went and man was I miserable. Today is Tuesday and my stomach is still a little sore but I can stand up a little straighter than before.
I slept a little better last night but I'm still cranky and nutty. I didn't have a cigarette yesterday so I guess that could partially be the cause for me being such a cranker. I wish I had a smoking buddy though. Most of the time I like to go outside at night to smoke alone because it's the only time I can get away from my roommates and have time to myself but there are also times when it's sad always being by myself. But whatever.
I've developed quite an attitude since I've been back to school. I don't want to go to classes (but I go), I don't want to live on campus, I don't want to deal with certain people that get on my nerves.....I'm just not a fan of this whole college thing at the moment. I'm sure it'll get better once I've gotten into the routine but right now all that's going through my head is "f**k you, you and you and leave me alone, don't bother me, and go away!" I don't feel like being a college student anymore, I'd much rather press the fast forward button to where I'm done with school, I'm graduated and out working my career job. Everything is just up in the air at the moment and I'm not dealing with it too well, and it doesn't help that there isn't much I can do to change things to make them more certain.
I've seriously been thinking about apartment searching again but I know that wouldn't help my attitude situation, it would only make it worse since I know that it isn't likely that I would find anything.
For New Years I went to Northampton Mass and I have been sick ever since. Not sick enough to be bedridden, but sick enough that I know I'm not feeling 100% and today I woke up with a God awful sore throat, my glands are so swollen I'm surprised they don't pop out of my neck....ouch.
Needless to say I feel like crap, don't want to be here nor do I see any near future purpose to what I'm doing. But I have to go now, gotta go get ready for class...
Friday, January 8, 2010
I have to go back to college in 2 days, not hardcore excited but not unhappy about it either. I am looking forward to the 2 hour drive I have, I love driving! I can play my music as loud as I want, think about things and smoke as many cigarettes as I want without worrying about someone seeing me. And if I don't want to listen to music then I can simply turn off my ipod and drive in silence.
That's what I miss, I miss it being quiet. I don't have as much quiet in my life as I would like. Being home means my brother is always screaming on his Xbox Live (you can talk to people online through a microphone..oy!, it means the phone is ringing off the hook and of course....the fighting parentals. But I have to give my parents credit- this whole week I've been home there hasn't been anything thrown or broken and no one has peeled out of the driveway or sped off in a manic frenzy. Being in college means there's absolutely NO quiet time. Living in a 3 story house of all girls means that there's always some stupid nonsensical drama going on, always someone blasting music or someone yelling like a maniac.
I guess I could go to the library if I wanted it to be quiet but I'm too stubborn for that. I want to be able to hangout in my house and be able to read a book without listening to dumb girly drama, I don't want to have to turn up my music just to muffle someone out....I just want to be able to think straight or fully enjoy a book without being interrupted a million times. It's not like I always want it quiet or need it to be dead silent, I can be really loud at times and make a lot of noise, but there are times when I can be really mellow and just wish for peace and quiet.
Thinking about the quiet reminded me of how bad I wish I had an apartment....even though I could never afford one all on my own. Granted I wouldn't have much of a social life on campus as I do now living with 3 other people and being friends with all the girls on my floor, but I'm totally willing to give that up if I could live off campus. Living on campus upsets me at times- it's nothing but a room, a room you live in for about 9 months and then you have to move out. I don't mind sharing a bathroom, that's fine, but always lugging my stuff into the bathroom when I need a shower and then lugging it back out afterwards can get obnoxious. You just get a room- bed, desk and a few drawers- that's it. (Yeah, you can decorate to make it more homey, but work with me here). You walk back from your class and that's it, you don't have to drive 'home' because it's right on campus. Almost leaves a cold feeling inside- walk back from class to where you're living for a few months and that's the extent of your day.
Now if I lived off campus I think it would bring about a warmer feeling. I would have to drive to school which would make it seem more productive and adventurous. I'd be happy to get out of class because I would actually HAVE a home to go to. I would go home and be able to cook a meal in the kitchen (instead of always going to the dining hall). Then, in the mornings I would wake up and take a shower and all of my stuff would already be in there- my shampoo, soap and everything else would already be in its place (yes, this would be great). I would come home from school and have a REAL couch to sit on, not the uncomfortable un-homey couches that are at school.
Yep, I'm trying not to make this a big deal but I can't seem to get it out of my head. I guess I want a real home and not a college home.
Sorry, not trying to be sad or depressing, I'm just writing this all down in hopes that I can set my thoughts straight and put them in order.
If I could afford an apartment I'm not sure that I would want to live alone. As much as I love being alone and having my own space, I think I would get lonely. It would take a long time for me to get lonely but I think it would evntually happen. I could get a pet (preferrably a dog) but that would be pushing it on my college student budget, then of course vet bills and such- I don't think I could swing that.
Hmm, I think I'm stuck living on campus until further notice. This is unfortunate because I think I would do better, physically and emtionally, if I had a legitamate place to call home. I know I would do a lot better academically, I think I would be a much nicer person and more outgoing. Oh well, just have to adjust better I guess! :-)
That's what I miss, I miss it being quiet. I don't have as much quiet in my life as I would like. Being home means my brother is always screaming on his Xbox Live (you can talk to people online through a microphone..oy!, it means the phone is ringing off the hook and of course....the fighting parentals. But I have to give my parents credit- this whole week I've been home there hasn't been anything thrown or broken and no one has peeled out of the driveway or sped off in a manic frenzy. Being in college means there's absolutely NO quiet time. Living in a 3 story house of all girls means that there's always some stupid nonsensical drama going on, always someone blasting music or someone yelling like a maniac.
I guess I could go to the library if I wanted it to be quiet but I'm too stubborn for that. I want to be able to hangout in my house and be able to read a book without listening to dumb girly drama, I don't want to have to turn up my music just to muffle someone out....I just want to be able to think straight or fully enjoy a book without being interrupted a million times. It's not like I always want it quiet or need it to be dead silent, I can be really loud at times and make a lot of noise, but there are times when I can be really mellow and just wish for peace and quiet.
Thinking about the quiet reminded me of how bad I wish I had an apartment....even though I could never afford one all on my own. Granted I wouldn't have much of a social life on campus as I do now living with 3 other people and being friends with all the girls on my floor, but I'm totally willing to give that up if I could live off campus. Living on campus upsets me at times- it's nothing but a room, a room you live in for about 9 months and then you have to move out. I don't mind sharing a bathroom, that's fine, but always lugging my stuff into the bathroom when I need a shower and then lugging it back out afterwards can get obnoxious. You just get a room- bed, desk and a few drawers- that's it. (Yeah, you can decorate to make it more homey, but work with me here). You walk back from your class and that's it, you don't have to drive 'home' because it's right on campus. Almost leaves a cold feeling inside- walk back from class to where you're living for a few months and that's the extent of your day.
Now if I lived off campus I think it would bring about a warmer feeling. I would have to drive to school which would make it seem more productive and adventurous. I'd be happy to get out of class because I would actually HAVE a home to go to. I would go home and be able to cook a meal in the kitchen (instead of always going to the dining hall). Then, in the mornings I would wake up and take a shower and all of my stuff would already be in there- my shampoo, soap and everything else would already be in its place (yes, this would be great). I would come home from school and have a REAL couch to sit on, not the uncomfortable un-homey couches that are at school.
Yep, I'm trying not to make this a big deal but I can't seem to get it out of my head. I guess I want a real home and not a college home.
Sorry, not trying to be sad or depressing, I'm just writing this all down in hopes that I can set my thoughts straight and put them in order.
If I could afford an apartment I'm not sure that I would want to live alone. As much as I love being alone and having my own space, I think I would get lonely. It would take a long time for me to get lonely but I think it would evntually happen. I could get a pet (preferrably a dog) but that would be pushing it on my college student budget, then of course vet bills and such- I don't think I could swing that.
Hmm, I think I'm stuck living on campus until further notice. This is unfortunate because I think I would do better, physically and emtionally, if I had a legitamate place to call home. I know I would do a lot better academically, I think I would be a much nicer person and more outgoing. Oh well, just have to adjust better I guess! :-)
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Oh the wonders of Facebook...making it so easy to search for people from the past. I've recently stumbled upon a person who played an important role in my past...John.
John and I were inseparable, if one of our friends were looking for either of us all they had to do was look for one and the other was bound to be right next the them. We had a lot in common and could practically talk about anything, there was no discomfort or nervousness between us- we just seemed to be perfect and could easily spend hours sitting around talking. It seemed as if everything was fine when we hung out, nothing else mattered. Even though we could connect on many levels we also fought like crazy, "you two fight like a married couple!!" our parents used to say. Yes, we fought quite a bit but we never stayed mad at each other for long. It was almost impossible to stay mad and not talk to each other, we'd spend less than an hour apart and then everything was back to normal and we were laughing and having fun again. Listening to the way our parents spoke about how much time John and I spent together made me wonder if it would go any further than the cutesy little crush and flirting that we had going on. I didn't think about it too much though, we were happy at where we were so it all seemed good to me. Then he left...
Since he was a year older than me he had to join the real world while I was still in the realm of junior high. And he decided the Navy was his best bet for making a decent start for himself.
So....last night I stumbled upon his Facebook page and saw the status update that sent chills up and down my spine. He has been deployed for 7 months....his deployment started 3 days before I found his facebook page.
As dramatic and stupid as it sounds and knowing that he's in the Navy all I can think about is the movie Pearl Harbor. Remember the part towards the end where the sailors are stuck in the sinking ship and sticking their fingers through the little vent while others are desperately trying to find a way to cut through the ship to get them out?....yeah, they never found anything to cut through the sinking ship to get the sailors out in time. I know, I know...it's a ridiculously dramatic scene to think of but this is what my brain does to me. I think of the worst possible scenario and it keeps replaying in my head until I feel sick to my stomach....it's great.
I haven't seen John in over 3 years so I doubt he remembers me. But maybe I'm wrong.....maybe he thinks about me when he sees something that reminds him of the past....maybe he wishes we would've reconnected after spending so many years apart.
Even if he doesn't think of me that's fine, I just hope he's happy with what he's doing. I pray that he's safe. I pray that he returns home soon. I pray that he's happy with the decisions he's made and that it will help him out in the long run.
I'll admit that I'm beginning to have quite the attitude, a REALLY bad one at that. Too many people I know are being deployed and DAMMIT I DON'T LIKE IT!! I don't want them to go anywhere. And though they may not live close to me or be part of my everyday life I still want them to stay here in the states. Knowing that they're in the states instead of some weird foreign place will make me happy, I'm in the states and so are they....that's how I want it to be. Wouldn't it be nice if we could all get what we want...
John and I were inseparable, if one of our friends were looking for either of us all they had to do was look for one and the other was bound to be right next the them. We had a lot in common and could practically talk about anything, there was no discomfort or nervousness between us- we just seemed to be perfect and could easily spend hours sitting around talking. It seemed as if everything was fine when we hung out, nothing else mattered. Even though we could connect on many levels we also fought like crazy, "you two fight like a married couple!!" our parents used to say. Yes, we fought quite a bit but we never stayed mad at each other for long. It was almost impossible to stay mad and not talk to each other, we'd spend less than an hour apart and then everything was back to normal and we were laughing and having fun again. Listening to the way our parents spoke about how much time John and I spent together made me wonder if it would go any further than the cutesy little crush and flirting that we had going on. I didn't think about it too much though, we were happy at where we were so it all seemed good to me. Then he left...
Since he was a year older than me he had to join the real world while I was still in the realm of junior high. And he decided the Navy was his best bet for making a decent start for himself.
So....last night I stumbled upon his Facebook page and saw the status update that sent chills up and down my spine. He has been deployed for 7 months....his deployment started 3 days before I found his facebook page.
As dramatic and stupid as it sounds and knowing that he's in the Navy all I can think about is the movie Pearl Harbor. Remember the part towards the end where the sailors are stuck in the sinking ship and sticking their fingers through the little vent while others are desperately trying to find a way to cut through the ship to get them out?....yeah, they never found anything to cut through the sinking ship to get the sailors out in time. I know, I know...it's a ridiculously dramatic scene to think of but this is what my brain does to me. I think of the worst possible scenario and it keeps replaying in my head until I feel sick to my stomach....it's great.
I haven't seen John in over 3 years so I doubt he remembers me. But maybe I'm wrong.....maybe he thinks about me when he sees something that reminds him of the past....maybe he wishes we would've reconnected after spending so many years apart.
Even if he doesn't think of me that's fine, I just hope he's happy with what he's doing. I pray that he's safe. I pray that he returns home soon. I pray that he's happy with the decisions he's made and that it will help him out in the long run.
I'll admit that I'm beginning to have quite the attitude, a REALLY bad one at that. Too many people I know are being deployed and DAMMIT I DON'T LIKE IT!! I don't want them to go anywhere. And though they may not live close to me or be part of my everyday life I still want them to stay here in the states. Knowing that they're in the states instead of some weird foreign place will make me happy, I'm in the states and so are they....that's how I want it to be. Wouldn't it be nice if we could all get what we want...
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Uhh...what? huh? umm...?
I am a complete mess. Before I even write this blog post I know that it'll be unorganized and incomprehensible. When people finish reading it they'll have a confused look on their faces and say "um....what?." But I am going to write it anyway. After all, my blog IS called Ali's Rants and Rambles, lol.
Now, where to start in the messy depths of my mind and all of the crazy thoughts that are flying around in there. Let's start with New Years-
Everyone knows that you're supposed to count down and bring in the new year with a kiss, I had been thinking about that new years kiss for a while but I knew it was a waste of time to allow it to join the group of flying thoughts. Technically I did it get a new years kiss but it was from a close friend of mine, so it doesn't really count towards what I was looking for. Seeing as how I was at a concert and brought in the new year with one of my favorite bands, my stupid little brain was dreaming about meeting someone fun at the concert venue and magically hanging out all night and then he and I would share that awesome new year kiss (pretty stupid, huh? Yeah, I know, completely ridiculous). I'm now partially laughing at myself for thinking this little dream was possible. Seriously? Are we in fairy tale land or something? I don't think so. I need to snap out of it and return to the real world.
Even though I didn't get a new years kiss I still had a blast, the guitarist in the band decided to crowd surf for the first time when he was doing a cover of "Bulls On Parade" by Rage Against The Machine....totally kick ass. You can see it here... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d7dtSE3Eq-c
Yes, it's obvious that I wish I had someone to share things with and spend time with, it's actually sorely obvious, but I can only fool myself to believe that I don't need anyone for so long.
All the lovey dovey stuff that usually makes me gag, I want that to happen to me. I would enjoy having someone that I connect with on many different levels. I would enjoy someone occasionally holding me or making me laugh, someone to cuddle up with on the couch and watch a movie, someone to go on long walks with.....someone to just be there standing next to me.
Every time I used to see people together holding hands I would think "pfft, typical young lovebirds, they'll break up soon so why do they even bother?" I would tell myself that it's a waste of time being in a relationship, it isn't like you'll be together forever so why have a relationship that's going to last around a month if you're lucky. I'm in college, I need to worry about more important things before guys. I need to worry about my classes, studying and working before anything else.
Sometimes I would try to think things through in a calmer way without as much attitude. I would say "OK, my turn will come shortly. Just stay on track with what you're doing and eventually something good will come of it." (Did I ever mention I'm the most impatient person in the world?)
Then of course there were the times when I would think things through as a teen aged girl would, those were never good days.
Now I just don't know what to think anymore. Is there someone out there for me? Someone who will put up with my stubbornness? Someone who won't mind my social awkwardness? Someone who will like me for me, someone who doesn't expect me to weigh 100 pounds or be super skinny.
Here's the key question- Do I DERSERVE to find someone?...
I'll admit it, most of the time I'm a cold heartless bitch. My friends tell me this isn't true but I KNOW it is. It's easier to be cold and mean than to let someone get close to you so they can turn around and stab you in the back or make you feel less than what you truly are. Now that I think about it, being cold and heartless is a defense mechanism....I'm scared, I don't know what to do so it's easier to push everyone away than to learn from experience.
Though it's a defense, it's also a way to stay safe. What if I change my ways and open up to the wrong person again? What if I think I'm doing the right thing but really I'm just being played and laughed at. How do I know when it's the right time to fully open up and who the right person is? I thought I was right once before but I was definitely wrong. As you can see my head is spinning and I don't have the slightest idea what to do.
I need to stay safe- I don't want to get hurt. I don't want to regret anything. I want to be happy with the choices I make. I don't want to second guess myself. I want to be proud of myself and the decisions I make. I don't want to worry every second of the day if I'm doing the right thing or if I'm making a huge mistake. I want to be smart. I want to be happy and proud of myself.
I want to be safe but how can anyone have fun and learn from experience when playing it safe? But if I don't play it safe then I'm most likely going to get hurt. There must be some line that borders between the two. I just don't want to set myself up for disaster, so what do I do? It's a never ending cycle and I'm driving myself crazy...I think I need to be committed. (Yes, I realize I'm being very dramatic.)
I've never been this sappy before...not EVER and it's quite disturbing. I used to be great at shrugging off being labeled as 'single' but the big strong wall of "I don't care, it doesn't matter to me" that I built is diminishing rapidly, it can now be considered a tiny pile of rubble. Maybe that means the cold heartless bitch is starting to warm up?
I've been listening to the same song on repeat for hours, literally. From the words of Regina Spektor, "and by protecting my heart truly I got lost." It's true, I am lost. I'm lost in a big maze of companionship, attempting desperately to find the end and win the game....or even find the start line so I can go back to not caring about being single. I want to protect my heart, but I don't want to get lost and only focus on keeping myself safe from failure.
"I've never loved nobody fully, always one foot on the ground." I have yet to fully understand the word 'love.' I've had a glimpse of it but I kept one foot outside of the circle so I could keep some sense of reality. It seemed like a good idea, keeping one foot outside of the circle, that way if I fell it wouldn't be as difficult to pick myself back up.
Yes Regina Spektor, you're absolutely right, "it breaks my heart"...all of it. But if I've never fully fallen then how on earth is my heart broken? Why does it hurt so much if I haven't fully played the game yet?
Oy, I have no idea. It seems as if nothing makes much sense anymore, like I'm outside of my body and watching what goes on from afar. I have no idea, no idea of anything, I don't know....just don't know.
Most of my friends are single so I guess there can't be TOO much wrong with me since there are others that are like me. I have friends that are engaged and I have friends that are in relationships and I'm so happy for them. I'm happy that they have people to be with, I'm BEYOND happy that they're happy. There's nothing I like better than to see my friends smile and enjoy themselves. It makes me happy when I see my friends with their significant others, just knowing that they have someone important in their lives to share things with makes me really happy....but when is it my turn? and do I actually want it to be my turn?
These questions just keep turning in my head.
I'm pretty sure that I'm going to regret posting this. All this sappiness is embarrassing but for some reason I feel that I should post this anyway. Not that anyone reads my blog anyway, I don't even think anyone knows about it or has the address for it. Looks like I'm safe to post this :-)
Now, where to start in the messy depths of my mind and all of the crazy thoughts that are flying around in there. Let's start with New Years-
Everyone knows that you're supposed to count down and bring in the new year with a kiss, I had been thinking about that new years kiss for a while but I knew it was a waste of time to allow it to join the group of flying thoughts. Technically I did it get a new years kiss but it was from a close friend of mine, so it doesn't really count towards what I was looking for. Seeing as how I was at a concert and brought in the new year with one of my favorite bands, my stupid little brain was dreaming about meeting someone fun at the concert venue and magically hanging out all night and then he and I would share that awesome new year kiss (pretty stupid, huh? Yeah, I know, completely ridiculous). I'm now partially laughing at myself for thinking this little dream was possible. Seriously? Are we in fairy tale land or something? I don't think so. I need to snap out of it and return to the real world.
Even though I didn't get a new years kiss I still had a blast, the guitarist in the band decided to crowd surf for the first time when he was doing a cover of "Bulls On Parade" by Rage Against The Machine....totally kick ass. You can see it here... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d7dtSE3Eq-c
Yes, it's obvious that I wish I had someone to share things with and spend time with, it's actually sorely obvious, but I can only fool myself to believe that I don't need anyone for so long.
All the lovey dovey stuff that usually makes me gag, I want that to happen to me. I would enjoy having someone that I connect with on many different levels. I would enjoy someone occasionally holding me or making me laugh, someone to cuddle up with on the couch and watch a movie, someone to go on long walks with.....someone to just be there standing next to me.
Every time I used to see people together holding hands I would think "pfft, typical young lovebirds, they'll break up soon so why do they even bother?" I would tell myself that it's a waste of time being in a relationship, it isn't like you'll be together forever so why have a relationship that's going to last around a month if you're lucky. I'm in college, I need to worry about more important things before guys. I need to worry about my classes, studying and working before anything else.
Sometimes I would try to think things through in a calmer way without as much attitude. I would say "OK, my turn will come shortly. Just stay on track with what you're doing and eventually something good will come of it." (Did I ever mention I'm the most impatient person in the world?)
Then of course there were the times when I would think things through as a teen aged girl would, those were never good days.
Now I just don't know what to think anymore. Is there someone out there for me? Someone who will put up with my stubbornness? Someone who won't mind my social awkwardness? Someone who will like me for me, someone who doesn't expect me to weigh 100 pounds or be super skinny.
Here's the key question- Do I DERSERVE to find someone?...
I'll admit it, most of the time I'm a cold heartless bitch. My friends tell me this isn't true but I KNOW it is. It's easier to be cold and mean than to let someone get close to you so they can turn around and stab you in the back or make you feel less than what you truly are. Now that I think about it, being cold and heartless is a defense mechanism....I'm scared, I don't know what to do so it's easier to push everyone away than to learn from experience.
Though it's a defense, it's also a way to stay safe. What if I change my ways and open up to the wrong person again? What if I think I'm doing the right thing but really I'm just being played and laughed at. How do I know when it's the right time to fully open up and who the right person is? I thought I was right once before but I was definitely wrong. As you can see my head is spinning and I don't have the slightest idea what to do.
I need to stay safe- I don't want to get hurt. I don't want to regret anything. I want to be happy with the choices I make. I don't want to second guess myself. I want to be proud of myself and the decisions I make. I don't want to worry every second of the day if I'm doing the right thing or if I'm making a huge mistake. I want to be smart. I want to be happy and proud of myself.
I want to be safe but how can anyone have fun and learn from experience when playing it safe? But if I don't play it safe then I'm most likely going to get hurt. There must be some line that borders between the two. I just don't want to set myself up for disaster, so what do I do? It's a never ending cycle and I'm driving myself crazy...I think I need to be committed. (Yes, I realize I'm being very dramatic.)
I've never been this sappy before...not EVER and it's quite disturbing. I used to be great at shrugging off being labeled as 'single' but the big strong wall of "I don't care, it doesn't matter to me" that I built is diminishing rapidly, it can now be considered a tiny pile of rubble. Maybe that means the cold heartless bitch is starting to warm up?
I've been listening to the same song on repeat for hours, literally. From the words of Regina Spektor, "and by protecting my heart truly I got lost." It's true, I am lost. I'm lost in a big maze of companionship, attempting desperately to find the end and win the game....or even find the start line so I can go back to not caring about being single. I want to protect my heart, but I don't want to get lost and only focus on keeping myself safe from failure.
"I've never loved nobody fully, always one foot on the ground." I have yet to fully understand the word 'love.' I've had a glimpse of it but I kept one foot outside of the circle so I could keep some sense of reality. It seemed like a good idea, keeping one foot outside of the circle, that way if I fell it wouldn't be as difficult to pick myself back up.
Yes Regina Spektor, you're absolutely right, "it breaks my heart"...all of it. But if I've never fully fallen then how on earth is my heart broken? Why does it hurt so much if I haven't fully played the game yet?
Oy, I have no idea. It seems as if nothing makes much sense anymore, like I'm outside of my body and watching what goes on from afar. I have no idea, no idea of anything, I don't know....just don't know.
Most of my friends are single so I guess there can't be TOO much wrong with me since there are others that are like me. I have friends that are engaged and I have friends that are in relationships and I'm so happy for them. I'm happy that they have people to be with, I'm BEYOND happy that they're happy. There's nothing I like better than to see my friends smile and enjoy themselves. It makes me happy when I see my friends with their significant others, just knowing that they have someone important in their lives to share things with makes me really happy....but when is it my turn? and do I actually want it to be my turn?
These questions just keep turning in my head.
I'm pretty sure that I'm going to regret posting this. All this sappiness is embarrassing but for some reason I feel that I should post this anyway. Not that anyone reads my blog anyway, I don't even think anyone knows about it or has the address for it. Looks like I'm safe to post this :-)
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