My poor blog, I've neglected it for a few days. But I have a good reason, Sunday I spent the whole day packing to move back to college, drove to college and then spent the night unpacking everything and getting ready to start classes again. Then Monday was not an option for blogging.
Sunday night I didn't sleep because my stomach decided to cramp up and act all weird, I have no idea what was wrong with it. It took me forever to fall asleep that night and when I did fall asleep I woke up about an hour later with horrible stomach pains. Never have I had such awful pain before, I continuously rolled over to find a comfortable position but nothing was working so all I could do was lay there wide awake and try to ignore it (which didn't work at all). I tried to think if I had eaten anything out of the ordinary that day but nothing came to mind and I couldn't think of anything that would cause so much pain, I got up and I couldn't even stand up straight because it hurt so bad! Finally it was time to get up and get ready for a day of classes, so off I went and man was I miserable. Today is Tuesday and my stomach is still a little sore but I can stand up a little straighter than before.
I slept a little better last night but I'm still cranky and nutty. I didn't have a cigarette yesterday so I guess that could partially be the cause for me being such a cranker. I wish I had a smoking buddy though. Most of the time I like to go outside at night to smoke alone because it's the only time I can get away from my roommates and have time to myself but there are also times when it's sad always being by myself. But whatever.
I've developed quite an attitude since I've been back to school. I don't want to go to classes (but I go), I don't want to live on campus, I don't want to deal with certain people that get on my nerves.....I'm just not a fan of this whole college thing at the moment. I'm sure it'll get better once I've gotten into the routine but right now all that's going through my head is "f**k you, you and you and leave me alone, don't bother me, and go away!" I don't feel like being a college student anymore, I'd much rather press the fast forward button to where I'm done with school, I'm graduated and out working my career job. Everything is just up in the air at the moment and I'm not dealing with it too well, and it doesn't help that there isn't much I can do to change things to make them more certain.
I've seriously been thinking about apartment searching again but I know that wouldn't help my attitude situation, it would only make it worse since I know that it isn't likely that I would find anything.
For New Years I went to Northampton Mass and I have been sick ever since. Not sick enough to be bedridden, but sick enough that I know I'm not feeling 100% and today I woke up with a God awful sore throat, my glands are so swollen I'm surprised they don't pop out of my neck....ouch.
Needless to say I feel like crap, don't want to be here nor do I see any near future purpose to what I'm doing. But I have to go now, gotta go get ready for class...
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Friday, January 8, 2010
I have to go back to college in 2 days, not hardcore excited but not unhappy about it either. I am looking forward to the 2 hour drive I have, I love driving! I can play my music as loud as I want, think about things and smoke as many cigarettes as I want without worrying about someone seeing me. And if I don't want to listen to music then I can simply turn off my ipod and drive in silence.
That's what I miss, I miss it being quiet. I don't have as much quiet in my life as I would like. Being home means my brother is always screaming on his Xbox Live (you can talk to people online through a microphone..oy!, it means the phone is ringing off the hook and of course....the fighting parentals. But I have to give my parents credit- this whole week I've been home there hasn't been anything thrown or broken and no one has peeled out of the driveway or sped off in a manic frenzy. Being in college means there's absolutely NO quiet time. Living in a 3 story house of all girls means that there's always some stupid nonsensical drama going on, always someone blasting music or someone yelling like a maniac.
I guess I could go to the library if I wanted it to be quiet but I'm too stubborn for that. I want to be able to hangout in my house and be able to read a book without listening to dumb girly drama, I don't want to have to turn up my music just to muffle someone out....I just want to be able to think straight or fully enjoy a book without being interrupted a million times. It's not like I always want it quiet or need it to be dead silent, I can be really loud at times and make a lot of noise, but there are times when I can be really mellow and just wish for peace and quiet.
Thinking about the quiet reminded me of how bad I wish I had an apartment....even though I could never afford one all on my own. Granted I wouldn't have much of a social life on campus as I do now living with 3 other people and being friends with all the girls on my floor, but I'm totally willing to give that up if I could live off campus. Living on campus upsets me at times- it's nothing but a room, a room you live in for about 9 months and then you have to move out. I don't mind sharing a bathroom, that's fine, but always lugging my stuff into the bathroom when I need a shower and then lugging it back out afterwards can get obnoxious. You just get a room- bed, desk and a few drawers- that's it. (Yeah, you can decorate to make it more homey, but work with me here). You walk back from your class and that's it, you don't have to drive 'home' because it's right on campus. Almost leaves a cold feeling inside- walk back from class to where you're living for a few months and that's the extent of your day.
Now if I lived off campus I think it would bring about a warmer feeling. I would have to drive to school which would make it seem more productive and adventurous. I'd be happy to get out of class because I would actually HAVE a home to go to. I would go home and be able to cook a meal in the kitchen (instead of always going to the dining hall). Then, in the mornings I would wake up and take a shower and all of my stuff would already be in there- my shampoo, soap and everything else would already be in its place (yes, this would be great). I would come home from school and have a REAL couch to sit on, not the uncomfortable un-homey couches that are at school.
Yep, I'm trying not to make this a big deal but I can't seem to get it out of my head. I guess I want a real home and not a college home.
Sorry, not trying to be sad or depressing, I'm just writing this all down in hopes that I can set my thoughts straight and put them in order.
If I could afford an apartment I'm not sure that I would want to live alone. As much as I love being alone and having my own space, I think I would get lonely. It would take a long time for me to get lonely but I think it would evntually happen. I could get a pet (preferrably a dog) but that would be pushing it on my college student budget, then of course vet bills and such- I don't think I could swing that.
Hmm, I think I'm stuck living on campus until further notice. This is unfortunate because I think I would do better, physically and emtionally, if I had a legitamate place to call home. I know I would do a lot better academically, I think I would be a much nicer person and more outgoing. Oh well, just have to adjust better I guess! :-)
That's what I miss, I miss it being quiet. I don't have as much quiet in my life as I would like. Being home means my brother is always screaming on his Xbox Live (you can talk to people online through a microphone..oy!, it means the phone is ringing off the hook and of course....the fighting parentals. But I have to give my parents credit- this whole week I've been home there hasn't been anything thrown or broken and no one has peeled out of the driveway or sped off in a manic frenzy. Being in college means there's absolutely NO quiet time. Living in a 3 story house of all girls means that there's always some stupid nonsensical drama going on, always someone blasting music or someone yelling like a maniac.
I guess I could go to the library if I wanted it to be quiet but I'm too stubborn for that. I want to be able to hangout in my house and be able to read a book without listening to dumb girly drama, I don't want to have to turn up my music just to muffle someone out....I just want to be able to think straight or fully enjoy a book without being interrupted a million times. It's not like I always want it quiet or need it to be dead silent, I can be really loud at times and make a lot of noise, but there are times when I can be really mellow and just wish for peace and quiet.
Thinking about the quiet reminded me of how bad I wish I had an apartment....even though I could never afford one all on my own. Granted I wouldn't have much of a social life on campus as I do now living with 3 other people and being friends with all the girls on my floor, but I'm totally willing to give that up if I could live off campus. Living on campus upsets me at times- it's nothing but a room, a room you live in for about 9 months and then you have to move out. I don't mind sharing a bathroom, that's fine, but always lugging my stuff into the bathroom when I need a shower and then lugging it back out afterwards can get obnoxious. You just get a room- bed, desk and a few drawers- that's it. (Yeah, you can decorate to make it more homey, but work with me here). You walk back from your class and that's it, you don't have to drive 'home' because it's right on campus. Almost leaves a cold feeling inside- walk back from class to where you're living for a few months and that's the extent of your day.
Now if I lived off campus I think it would bring about a warmer feeling. I would have to drive to school which would make it seem more productive and adventurous. I'd be happy to get out of class because I would actually HAVE a home to go to. I would go home and be able to cook a meal in the kitchen (instead of always going to the dining hall). Then, in the mornings I would wake up and take a shower and all of my stuff would already be in there- my shampoo, soap and everything else would already be in its place (yes, this would be great). I would come home from school and have a REAL couch to sit on, not the uncomfortable un-homey couches that are at school.
Yep, I'm trying not to make this a big deal but I can't seem to get it out of my head. I guess I want a real home and not a college home.
Sorry, not trying to be sad or depressing, I'm just writing this all down in hopes that I can set my thoughts straight and put them in order.
If I could afford an apartment I'm not sure that I would want to live alone. As much as I love being alone and having my own space, I think I would get lonely. It would take a long time for me to get lonely but I think it would evntually happen. I could get a pet (preferrably a dog) but that would be pushing it on my college student budget, then of course vet bills and such- I don't think I could swing that.
Hmm, I think I'm stuck living on campus until further notice. This is unfortunate because I think I would do better, physically and emtionally, if I had a legitamate place to call home. I know I would do a lot better academically, I think I would be a much nicer person and more outgoing. Oh well, just have to adjust better I guess! :-)
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Oh the wonders of Facebook...making it so easy to search for people from the past. I've recently stumbled upon a person who played an important role in my past...John.
John and I were inseparable, if one of our friends were looking for either of us all they had to do was look for one and the other was bound to be right next the them. We had a lot in common and could practically talk about anything, there was no discomfort or nervousness between us- we just seemed to be perfect and could easily spend hours sitting around talking. It seemed as if everything was fine when we hung out, nothing else mattered. Even though we could connect on many levels we also fought like crazy, "you two fight like a married couple!!" our parents used to say. Yes, we fought quite a bit but we never stayed mad at each other for long. It was almost impossible to stay mad and not talk to each other, we'd spend less than an hour apart and then everything was back to normal and we were laughing and having fun again. Listening to the way our parents spoke about how much time John and I spent together made me wonder if it would go any further than the cutesy little crush and flirting that we had going on. I didn't think about it too much though, we were happy at where we were so it all seemed good to me. Then he left...
Since he was a year older than me he had to join the real world while I was still in the realm of junior high. And he decided the Navy was his best bet for making a decent start for himself.
So....last night I stumbled upon his Facebook page and saw the status update that sent chills up and down my spine. He has been deployed for 7 months....his deployment started 3 days before I found his facebook page.
As dramatic and stupid as it sounds and knowing that he's in the Navy all I can think about is the movie Pearl Harbor. Remember the part towards the end where the sailors are stuck in the sinking ship and sticking their fingers through the little vent while others are desperately trying to find a way to cut through the ship to get them out?....yeah, they never found anything to cut through the sinking ship to get the sailors out in time. I know, I know...it's a ridiculously dramatic scene to think of but this is what my brain does to me. I think of the worst possible scenario and it keeps replaying in my head until I feel sick to my stomach....it's great.
I haven't seen John in over 3 years so I doubt he remembers me. But maybe I'm wrong.....maybe he thinks about me when he sees something that reminds him of the past....maybe he wishes we would've reconnected after spending so many years apart.
Even if he doesn't think of me that's fine, I just hope he's happy with what he's doing. I pray that he's safe. I pray that he returns home soon. I pray that he's happy with the decisions he's made and that it will help him out in the long run.
I'll admit that I'm beginning to have quite the attitude, a REALLY bad one at that. Too many people I know are being deployed and DAMMIT I DON'T LIKE IT!! I don't want them to go anywhere. And though they may not live close to me or be part of my everyday life I still want them to stay here in the states. Knowing that they're in the states instead of some weird foreign place will make me happy, I'm in the states and so are they....that's how I want it to be. Wouldn't it be nice if we could all get what we want...
John and I were inseparable, if one of our friends were looking for either of us all they had to do was look for one and the other was bound to be right next the them. We had a lot in common and could practically talk about anything, there was no discomfort or nervousness between us- we just seemed to be perfect and could easily spend hours sitting around talking. It seemed as if everything was fine when we hung out, nothing else mattered. Even though we could connect on many levels we also fought like crazy, "you two fight like a married couple!!" our parents used to say. Yes, we fought quite a bit but we never stayed mad at each other for long. It was almost impossible to stay mad and not talk to each other, we'd spend less than an hour apart and then everything was back to normal and we were laughing and having fun again. Listening to the way our parents spoke about how much time John and I spent together made me wonder if it would go any further than the cutesy little crush and flirting that we had going on. I didn't think about it too much though, we were happy at where we were so it all seemed good to me. Then he left...
Since he was a year older than me he had to join the real world while I was still in the realm of junior high. And he decided the Navy was his best bet for making a decent start for himself.
So....last night I stumbled upon his Facebook page and saw the status update that sent chills up and down my spine. He has been deployed for 7 months....his deployment started 3 days before I found his facebook page.
As dramatic and stupid as it sounds and knowing that he's in the Navy all I can think about is the movie Pearl Harbor. Remember the part towards the end where the sailors are stuck in the sinking ship and sticking their fingers through the little vent while others are desperately trying to find a way to cut through the ship to get them out?....yeah, they never found anything to cut through the sinking ship to get the sailors out in time. I know, I know...it's a ridiculously dramatic scene to think of but this is what my brain does to me. I think of the worst possible scenario and it keeps replaying in my head until I feel sick to my stomach....it's great.
I haven't seen John in over 3 years so I doubt he remembers me. But maybe I'm wrong.....maybe he thinks about me when he sees something that reminds him of the past....maybe he wishes we would've reconnected after spending so many years apart.
Even if he doesn't think of me that's fine, I just hope he's happy with what he's doing. I pray that he's safe. I pray that he returns home soon. I pray that he's happy with the decisions he's made and that it will help him out in the long run.
I'll admit that I'm beginning to have quite the attitude, a REALLY bad one at that. Too many people I know are being deployed and DAMMIT I DON'T LIKE IT!! I don't want them to go anywhere. And though they may not live close to me or be part of my everyday life I still want them to stay here in the states. Knowing that they're in the states instead of some weird foreign place will make me happy, I'm in the states and so are they....that's how I want it to be. Wouldn't it be nice if we could all get what we want...
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Uhh...what? huh? umm...?
I am a complete mess. Before I even write this blog post I know that it'll be unorganized and incomprehensible. When people finish reading it they'll have a confused look on their faces and say "um....what?." But I am going to write it anyway. After all, my blog IS called Ali's Rants and Rambles, lol.
Now, where to start in the messy depths of my mind and all of the crazy thoughts that are flying around in there. Let's start with New Years-
Everyone knows that you're supposed to count down and bring in the new year with a kiss, I had been thinking about that new years kiss for a while but I knew it was a waste of time to allow it to join the group of flying thoughts. Technically I did it get a new years kiss but it was from a close friend of mine, so it doesn't really count towards what I was looking for. Seeing as how I was at a concert and brought in the new year with one of my favorite bands, my stupid little brain was dreaming about meeting someone fun at the concert venue and magically hanging out all night and then he and I would share that awesome new year kiss (pretty stupid, huh? Yeah, I know, completely ridiculous). I'm now partially laughing at myself for thinking this little dream was possible. Seriously? Are we in fairy tale land or something? I don't think so. I need to snap out of it and return to the real world.
Even though I didn't get a new years kiss I still had a blast, the guitarist in the band decided to crowd surf for the first time when he was doing a cover of "Bulls On Parade" by Rage Against The Machine....totally kick ass. You can see it here... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d7dtSE3Eq-c
Yes, it's obvious that I wish I had someone to share things with and spend time with, it's actually sorely obvious, but I can only fool myself to believe that I don't need anyone for so long.
All the lovey dovey stuff that usually makes me gag, I want that to happen to me. I would enjoy having someone that I connect with on many different levels. I would enjoy someone occasionally holding me or making me laugh, someone to cuddle up with on the couch and watch a movie, someone to go on long walks with.....someone to just be there standing next to me.
Every time I used to see people together holding hands I would think "pfft, typical young lovebirds, they'll break up soon so why do they even bother?" I would tell myself that it's a waste of time being in a relationship, it isn't like you'll be together forever so why have a relationship that's going to last around a month if you're lucky. I'm in college, I need to worry about more important things before guys. I need to worry about my classes, studying and working before anything else.
Sometimes I would try to think things through in a calmer way without as much attitude. I would say "OK, my turn will come shortly. Just stay on track with what you're doing and eventually something good will come of it." (Did I ever mention I'm the most impatient person in the world?)
Then of course there were the times when I would think things through as a teen aged girl would, those were never good days.
Now I just don't know what to think anymore. Is there someone out there for me? Someone who will put up with my stubbornness? Someone who won't mind my social awkwardness? Someone who will like me for me, someone who doesn't expect me to weigh 100 pounds or be super skinny.
Here's the key question- Do I DERSERVE to find someone?...
I'll admit it, most of the time I'm a cold heartless bitch. My friends tell me this isn't true but I KNOW it is. It's easier to be cold and mean than to let someone get close to you so they can turn around and stab you in the back or make you feel less than what you truly are. Now that I think about it, being cold and heartless is a defense mechanism....I'm scared, I don't know what to do so it's easier to push everyone away than to learn from experience.
Though it's a defense, it's also a way to stay safe. What if I change my ways and open up to the wrong person again? What if I think I'm doing the right thing but really I'm just being played and laughed at. How do I know when it's the right time to fully open up and who the right person is? I thought I was right once before but I was definitely wrong. As you can see my head is spinning and I don't have the slightest idea what to do.
I need to stay safe- I don't want to get hurt. I don't want to regret anything. I want to be happy with the choices I make. I don't want to second guess myself. I want to be proud of myself and the decisions I make. I don't want to worry every second of the day if I'm doing the right thing or if I'm making a huge mistake. I want to be smart. I want to be happy and proud of myself.
I want to be safe but how can anyone have fun and learn from experience when playing it safe? But if I don't play it safe then I'm most likely going to get hurt. There must be some line that borders between the two. I just don't want to set myself up for disaster, so what do I do? It's a never ending cycle and I'm driving myself crazy...I think I need to be committed. (Yes, I realize I'm being very dramatic.)
I've never been this sappy before...not EVER and it's quite disturbing. I used to be great at shrugging off being labeled as 'single' but the big strong wall of "I don't care, it doesn't matter to me" that I built is diminishing rapidly, it can now be considered a tiny pile of rubble. Maybe that means the cold heartless bitch is starting to warm up?
I've been listening to the same song on repeat for hours, literally. From the words of Regina Spektor, "and by protecting my heart truly I got lost." It's true, I am lost. I'm lost in a big maze of companionship, attempting desperately to find the end and win the game....or even find the start line so I can go back to not caring about being single. I want to protect my heart, but I don't want to get lost and only focus on keeping myself safe from failure.
"I've never loved nobody fully, always one foot on the ground." I have yet to fully understand the word 'love.' I've had a glimpse of it but I kept one foot outside of the circle so I could keep some sense of reality. It seemed like a good idea, keeping one foot outside of the circle, that way if I fell it wouldn't be as difficult to pick myself back up.
Yes Regina Spektor, you're absolutely right, "it breaks my heart"...all of it. But if I've never fully fallen then how on earth is my heart broken? Why does it hurt so much if I haven't fully played the game yet?
Oy, I have no idea. It seems as if nothing makes much sense anymore, like I'm outside of my body and watching what goes on from afar. I have no idea, no idea of anything, I don't know....just don't know.
Most of my friends are single so I guess there can't be TOO much wrong with me since there are others that are like me. I have friends that are engaged and I have friends that are in relationships and I'm so happy for them. I'm happy that they have people to be with, I'm BEYOND happy that they're happy. There's nothing I like better than to see my friends smile and enjoy themselves. It makes me happy when I see my friends with their significant others, just knowing that they have someone important in their lives to share things with makes me really happy....but when is it my turn? and do I actually want it to be my turn?
These questions just keep turning in my head.
I'm pretty sure that I'm going to regret posting this. All this sappiness is embarrassing but for some reason I feel that I should post this anyway. Not that anyone reads my blog anyway, I don't even think anyone knows about it or has the address for it. Looks like I'm safe to post this :-)
Now, where to start in the messy depths of my mind and all of the crazy thoughts that are flying around in there. Let's start with New Years-
Everyone knows that you're supposed to count down and bring in the new year with a kiss, I had been thinking about that new years kiss for a while but I knew it was a waste of time to allow it to join the group of flying thoughts. Technically I did it get a new years kiss but it was from a close friend of mine, so it doesn't really count towards what I was looking for. Seeing as how I was at a concert and brought in the new year with one of my favorite bands, my stupid little brain was dreaming about meeting someone fun at the concert venue and magically hanging out all night and then he and I would share that awesome new year kiss (pretty stupid, huh? Yeah, I know, completely ridiculous). I'm now partially laughing at myself for thinking this little dream was possible. Seriously? Are we in fairy tale land or something? I don't think so. I need to snap out of it and return to the real world.
Even though I didn't get a new years kiss I still had a blast, the guitarist in the band decided to crowd surf for the first time when he was doing a cover of "Bulls On Parade" by Rage Against The Machine....totally kick ass. You can see it here... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d7dtSE3Eq-c
Yes, it's obvious that I wish I had someone to share things with and spend time with, it's actually sorely obvious, but I can only fool myself to believe that I don't need anyone for so long.
All the lovey dovey stuff that usually makes me gag, I want that to happen to me. I would enjoy having someone that I connect with on many different levels. I would enjoy someone occasionally holding me or making me laugh, someone to cuddle up with on the couch and watch a movie, someone to go on long walks with.....someone to just be there standing next to me.
Every time I used to see people together holding hands I would think "pfft, typical young lovebirds, they'll break up soon so why do they even bother?" I would tell myself that it's a waste of time being in a relationship, it isn't like you'll be together forever so why have a relationship that's going to last around a month if you're lucky. I'm in college, I need to worry about more important things before guys. I need to worry about my classes, studying and working before anything else.
Sometimes I would try to think things through in a calmer way without as much attitude. I would say "OK, my turn will come shortly. Just stay on track with what you're doing and eventually something good will come of it." (Did I ever mention I'm the most impatient person in the world?)
Then of course there were the times when I would think things through as a teen aged girl would, those were never good days.
Now I just don't know what to think anymore. Is there someone out there for me? Someone who will put up with my stubbornness? Someone who won't mind my social awkwardness? Someone who will like me for me, someone who doesn't expect me to weigh 100 pounds or be super skinny.
Here's the key question- Do I DERSERVE to find someone?...
I'll admit it, most of the time I'm a cold heartless bitch. My friends tell me this isn't true but I KNOW it is. It's easier to be cold and mean than to let someone get close to you so they can turn around and stab you in the back or make you feel less than what you truly are. Now that I think about it, being cold and heartless is a defense mechanism....I'm scared, I don't know what to do so it's easier to push everyone away than to learn from experience.
Though it's a defense, it's also a way to stay safe. What if I change my ways and open up to the wrong person again? What if I think I'm doing the right thing but really I'm just being played and laughed at. How do I know when it's the right time to fully open up and who the right person is? I thought I was right once before but I was definitely wrong. As you can see my head is spinning and I don't have the slightest idea what to do.
I need to stay safe- I don't want to get hurt. I don't want to regret anything. I want to be happy with the choices I make. I don't want to second guess myself. I want to be proud of myself and the decisions I make. I don't want to worry every second of the day if I'm doing the right thing or if I'm making a huge mistake. I want to be smart. I want to be happy and proud of myself.
I want to be safe but how can anyone have fun and learn from experience when playing it safe? But if I don't play it safe then I'm most likely going to get hurt. There must be some line that borders between the two. I just don't want to set myself up for disaster, so what do I do? It's a never ending cycle and I'm driving myself crazy...I think I need to be committed. (Yes, I realize I'm being very dramatic.)
I've never been this sappy before...not EVER and it's quite disturbing. I used to be great at shrugging off being labeled as 'single' but the big strong wall of "I don't care, it doesn't matter to me" that I built is diminishing rapidly, it can now be considered a tiny pile of rubble. Maybe that means the cold heartless bitch is starting to warm up?
I've been listening to the same song on repeat for hours, literally. From the words of Regina Spektor, "and by protecting my heart truly I got lost." It's true, I am lost. I'm lost in a big maze of companionship, attempting desperately to find the end and win the game....or even find the start line so I can go back to not caring about being single. I want to protect my heart, but I don't want to get lost and only focus on keeping myself safe from failure.
"I've never loved nobody fully, always one foot on the ground." I have yet to fully understand the word 'love.' I've had a glimpse of it but I kept one foot outside of the circle so I could keep some sense of reality. It seemed like a good idea, keeping one foot outside of the circle, that way if I fell it wouldn't be as difficult to pick myself back up.
Yes Regina Spektor, you're absolutely right, "it breaks my heart"...all of it. But if I've never fully fallen then how on earth is my heart broken? Why does it hurt so much if I haven't fully played the game yet?
Oy, I have no idea. It seems as if nothing makes much sense anymore, like I'm outside of my body and watching what goes on from afar. I have no idea, no idea of anything, I don't know....just don't know.
Most of my friends are single so I guess there can't be TOO much wrong with me since there are others that are like me. I have friends that are engaged and I have friends that are in relationships and I'm so happy for them. I'm happy that they have people to be with, I'm BEYOND happy that they're happy. There's nothing I like better than to see my friends smile and enjoy themselves. It makes me happy when I see my friends with their significant others, just knowing that they have someone important in their lives to share things with makes me really happy....but when is it my turn? and do I actually want it to be my turn?
These questions just keep turning in my head.
I'm pretty sure that I'm going to regret posting this. All this sappiness is embarrassing but for some reason I feel that I should post this anyway. Not that anyone reads my blog anyway, I don't even think anyone knows about it or has the address for it. Looks like I'm safe to post this :-)
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