This has just been an all around bad week. I can't really pin point it to one certain thing, it's more like a whole bunch of tiny things that keep adding up and adding up.

For one, my birthday is in 3 days. None of my friends seem to have remembered my birthday after all of the times I've told them when it is after they asked me. Most of our birthdays are close to each other so one would think it would be easy to remember or have an idea when they are. Apparently this is not the case. Whatever.

But it doesn't even matter anyway, they all go home for the weekend to see their boyfriends/ finances or to have "family time." So this year, just like last, I will be celebrating my birthday solo. Which isn't a big deal, I don't know what I'll do that day, if anything. I guess it's just the fact that my friends act so sad and say they miss me when I go away to Irish festivals or if I plan on being away doing something else to help out a friend yet they don't even know it's my birthday.

There's only one friend who seems to remember my birthday and she lives back home, over 100 miles away. I would probably go home this weekend for my birthday, not to see my family but to spend time with her if I didn't have to work. She and I have been good friends for a few years and since we don't go to the same college we don't get to see each other that often, which sucks. We're smoking buddies, we're the person the other goes to in order to get things off our chest and we're the person that knows what the other is thinking without even saying a word. We both know we can't sing to save our lives yet we burst out into song while driving places and feel comfortable enough not to care how awful we sound, we laugh at the same things and have similar thoughts (most of the time) on situations. Even when we don't agree on situations/events in the media or what have you we don't fight about it; we have a simple conversation about how we look at things and how we think things should be.

To do something for myself on my birthday would require spending money. And being the tight money pincher that I am I'm not sure I want to do that. Saving for a trip to Ireland also puts a damper on the celebratory money spending. I guess that means a tattoo is out of the question?

But it's my 20th birthday and I want to do something that I'll remember, something really special. In 3 days I will be 20, 2 decades old. No more "teen" for me, I'm out of that phase and into the mature, more adult like times. Kinda freaking out a bit about it, but not too much, more excitement than anything.

Trust me, I'm okay. It justs sucks kinda sucks.

I don't mind doing things on my own, I'm perfectly fine with it. I don't need someone to hold my hand, if I want to go off and do something then I'm going to do it, with or without my friends there with me. Turning 20 is a big step in life in my opinion, going from 19 to 20 is a big deal. I don't mind being solo for my birthday I guess, but it would just be nice to spend my special day that only comes around once a year with some friends.

To add to my last post...


I'M SO FRUSTRATED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHHHHHH!!!!!

What happened?

All through high school I had safely built a wall that protected me from the typical boy emotions that females go through. I set my mind to think that guys were a total waste of time and I had better things to think about- like school, getting into college, work and other things. I made myself believe that I would never need or want a guy around, but that was then...

Moving to now. Trying to build that wall again is pretty tough. I want that wall back because things just seemed to be SO much easier (and safer) but then again I'm glad it's gone because when things are going good...they're good. Then there are the times when things aren't so great and that's when it sucks really bad. I'm so confused right now it's ridiculous, I can't find an answer to what I'm looking for and when I attempt to explain what I'm feeling I can never find the right words to what I'm trying to say.

I'm completely frustrated. I'm frustrated when it comes to all the things that pop into my head, all the things that could've been that aren't, I'm frustrated for not knowing what'll happen (if anything), I'm frustrated because I don't know if the same things are going through his head, frustrated because I can't explain myself or fully express to people how I feel. I don't even know if there are words that can be completely associated to how I'm feeling or what I want. I don't fully know what I want but I want something. I feel as if my head is about to explode- actually, I kind of wish it would explode, that way everything that's going on up there would escape and leave me alone.

Part of the frustration is with myself. Why/how did I let this happen? When did I turn into a ball of emotions and when did my big strong wall turn into a pile of rubble?