Running

I'm a runner. I try to run 7 days a week with 3.5 miles for each run. For those of you who don't run I know that sounds crazy, but once you start running you don't want to stop. I love running, it's the best stress reliever there is....even better than cigarettes (which I used to smoke constantly).

About 2 days ago while on my run I had an awful pain stabbing my leg with every step I took. It wasn't painful enough to make me stop running, but it wasn't a pain that I was able to ignore- but I still continued to run. The next day I went running and I felt the pain again as soon as I took my first stride, but I kept going anyway. I made it about 2.5 miles before I couldn't ignore it anymore and HAD to stop, the pain shot right up into my leg and was intense! With that said, I looked ridiculous the last leg of my run hobbling all the way back to my campus. It was quite a sight, me limping a mile back to campus all the while talking under my breath and swearing up a storm at my leg for ruining my run.

My friend, who is also a runner and more experienced, had a similar pain a few weeks ago and told me that I should lay off running for a few days to let my leg rest. I was not a fan when she said this to me, I didn't want to stop running, I didn't even want to miss one day! But I had no choice, I'd rather miss a day of running than do something serious to my leg that would cause me to stop running for a longer period of time.

So, after taking two days off of running, I CANNOT wait to go running tomorrow. I didn't run today because I wanted to make sure that my leg was okay and fully rested. I feel very awkward skipping my daily running routine and I miss it (I'm strange, I know). It's weird to think how skipping one little part of your day can throw everything else off and make one feel tense, like they're forgetting something important.

So I've been running to be healthier. I didn't really care about losing weight because for once I was actually starting to feel some what comfortable with what I had to work with. Well, I guess you could say that comfort thing was just shot down. I just checked my BMI. In order to calculate your body max index one needs to know their weight and their height- I'm pretty tall and last time I had my height measured I was 5'10". Now, with college dining hall food and refusing to own a scale, I had guess guess my weight, but I'm pretty sure I'm not that far off. So, with all that said, I calculated my BMI and it says I'm overweight...lovely.

Granted I do tend to go crazy at times when I go to the dining hall with my friends but still, I don't feel like I'm overweight. I know I'm not mistaken because I checked and rechecked...5 TIMES! I know I'm not skinny, but I'm pretty sure I'm not overweight, that's a crock of shit. I feel like I'm just...regular- not skinny and not overly meaty. Whatever.

To whoever invented this BMI chart- I'm holding up three fingers, two of which are my index finger and my ring finger...read between the lines, asshole.

I know I've been away for a while and once again abandoned my promise to blog regularly, my apologies. Lately I've been busy trying to get my classes straightened out and try to get into the classes I need in order to pursue my career. I want to be a pharmacist and I'm finishing my second year of college. I have yet to take a chemistry or a calculus class, this is not how it's supposed to work. I decided to retake my placement testing in order to get a higher score and hopefully jump straight into my classes. When I finally retook the test and they gave me my score I was elated, I not only scored high enough but I blew it out of the water and got higher than the score that I was aiming for. I finally felt as if my time in college was going to start getting better and I would feel like I have a purpose being here since I could finally start taking the classes that I need.



So yesterday, I was registering for classes and it wouldn't let me sign up for the calculus class. I emailed my advisor about it and he was mistaken...the score on the placement test that he told me I needed to get was incorrect and a lot higher from what he said, and though I scored high I still missed the cut off by 3 POINTS. The only way I can get into calculus is if I take the placement test AGAIN and score those 3 points higher. But no. I'm being stubborn and putting my foot down. I feel as if this school is doing nothing but screwing me over and making things much more difficult than they should be. First the college screwed up my financial aid, then they screwed up my loan processing, put a hold on my account and now they screw me over with classes...AGAIN. (I got screwed over with classes last year as well). This is pointless and I'm not getting anywhere. I need to switch my major to something that's more possible. Let's face it, I'm really stupid to even think that I'd be able to take all of these math, chemistry and physics courses to be a pharmacist, there's no way I'm smart enough to pull it off.

But it's so late in the game I'm not even sure what to do anymore. I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life or what I want to be. They ask you "well what do you like to do in your spare time?" PEOPLE, I never had any damn friggin spare time before college. I took car of my dad after his accident, took care of my brother while my mom got a second job, I cooked, cleaned and made sure my brother behaved. Then, when my dad was able to get up and move around on his own, I started helping my mom at her night job- come home from school, cook dinner, go to work, come home and do homework until 12-1 in the morning and then get up at 5:30 to do it all again. When I say I don't know what interests me I'm serious...I really have no idea what interests me enough to consider doing for the rest of my damn stupid life!

I'm lost, frustrated and confused. I don't want to do this anymore and I wish I could go away. I know that doesn't make sense to anyone reading.....it doesn't even make sense to me for crying out loud. But I'm ready to go...I feel like there's nothing I can do to figure things out or make a future life for myself. It's done, I had my shot and I failed.