I know I've been away for a while and once again abandoned my promise to blog regularly, my apologies. Lately I've been busy trying to get my classes straightened out and try to get into the classes I need in order to pursue my career. I want to be a pharmacist and I'm finishing my second year of college. I have yet to take a chemistry or a calculus class, this is not how it's supposed to work. I decided to retake my placement testing in order to get a higher score and hopefully jump straight into my classes. When I finally retook the test and they gave me my score I was elated, I not only scored high enough but I blew it out of the water and got higher than the score that I was aiming for. I finally felt as if my time in college was going to start getting better and I would feel like I have a purpose being here since I could finally start taking the classes that I need.



So yesterday, I was registering for classes and it wouldn't let me sign up for the calculus class. I emailed my advisor about it and he was mistaken...the score on the placement test that he told me I needed to get was incorrect and a lot higher from what he said, and though I scored high I still missed the cut off by 3 POINTS. The only way I can get into calculus is if I take the placement test AGAIN and score those 3 points higher. But no. I'm being stubborn and putting my foot down. I feel as if this school is doing nothing but screwing me over and making things much more difficult than they should be. First the college screwed up my financial aid, then they screwed up my loan processing, put a hold on my account and now they screw me over with classes...AGAIN. (I got screwed over with classes last year as well). This is pointless and I'm not getting anywhere. I need to switch my major to something that's more possible. Let's face it, I'm really stupid to even think that I'd be able to take all of these math, chemistry and physics courses to be a pharmacist, there's no way I'm smart enough to pull it off.

But it's so late in the game I'm not even sure what to do anymore. I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life or what I want to be. They ask you "well what do you like to do in your spare time?" PEOPLE, I never had any damn friggin spare time before college. I took car of my dad after his accident, took care of my brother while my mom got a second job, I cooked, cleaned and made sure my brother behaved. Then, when my dad was able to get up and move around on his own, I started helping my mom at her night job- come home from school, cook dinner, go to work, come home and do homework until 12-1 in the morning and then get up at 5:30 to do it all again. When I say I don't know what interests me I'm serious...I really have no idea what interests me enough to consider doing for the rest of my damn stupid life!

I'm lost, frustrated and confused. I don't want to do this anymore and I wish I could go away. I know that doesn't make sense to anyone reading.....it doesn't even make sense to me for crying out loud. But I'm ready to go...I feel like there's nothing I can do to figure things out or make a future life for myself. It's done, I had my shot and I failed.